Sorry it took so long for me to reply you. How are you feeling now:)? Six days in..things did went better eh? I wished I could physically been there for you when all the shit happens but that wasn't available at this moment (launching August 2014) so I'll just have to send you my regards and support here for the time being :)
It never make sense. If it does, I don't think that's what we'll call love. Stop burdening yourself with the burdens and guilt. Yea, you might have broken a promise or two to a guy that made no promise at all to you (tbh I really don't think he's ever did anything). Don't let your guilt eat you alive. You didn't kill anyone, it was just a party, not that that's to blame but oh well. College parties, you don't expect political conversations and champagne with foie gras ent rées don't you.
I'm glad that (at least so far) this guy you're hanging out with is treating you good. At least he seem to be. At least he cares, at least you can tell/feel that he cares. And not only want to claim you like you're his property and toy you around.
No matter how it goes on, I hope you're happy. Cus that's what it's most important! That's what I figured out recently. You may put HHG's opinion on the priority over your own voice, but think about this, who cares if he knows you are having short hair or with three kids and a hottie husband in ten years. You won't, and he won't either. Three years later you won't even care about this guy anymore. So forget about what the douches says! Ask yourself what do you really want! And even if that answer is HHG, don't only focus on how to get him, think about how it can make you happy, without bending your knees all over and crawl around him. Trust me on this, he will only toy you around even more. As cliché as 'Actions Speaks Louder than Words' sounds, it's unfortunately very true, esp. on body languages, and in your case haha. I know what he told MC, but when his words and his actions aren't synced, you might wanna think about this again.
As for me...I don't know if I have much actual LIFE to tell haha. Since you know..I'm practically doing nothing these days haha. But I do feel happier, so much, happier. Part of it being the college Facebook group and the idea of the city, things are vibrant, happening, on-going, fun, adventurous, and nothing negative. And when things don't go well, I know it's still early age and there are plenty of other human beings out there that I'm bound to be able to find someone I can talk to and hang out with. I know I know..haha, I'm saying all these big words but when I (kinda) like someone I'm pretty much stuck on that one person only. In some way it's good you might say, just kinda oppose with what I just said above lol. Anyways. I feel like it's my responsibility to find the fun ME back. If I wanna turn things around, this is the time, this is the right time, and when else's better than starting it now? It's NOW. I might not end up with the guy I want, nor get things on my want list, but at least I'm happy during this train ride to my destination. It's at least better to enjoy this ride than enjoy nothing at all..afterall all the sorrows and happiness is directed to me to feel them.
And right now, I'm 100% clear that it's okay. It's okay not to like the guy I crushed liked loved for the past five years, it's okay to do something different and I shouldn't feel guilty about this change cus neither of us owe neither of the other party anything. If anything, he just didn't return the affection, and that's not a prob. People change, feelings change. It doesn't mean I regret anything or that I didn't love him. I just want it to stop now. Not because it's needed (though that's true too, but who's to call the shots!), but because I want it. I truly want this, I want it for myself, this time.
I'm listening to some relatively more pump up music lately (these two days). One reason being PA likes them obviously HAHAHA, but I feel like they're making me smile, I don't need to look at the floor when I walk and count the bricks while feeling the greyish sobby sky and moan about it in the Lana Del Rey self degraded way (don't get me wrong, I still LOVE her, though I can never sing like her and when I attempt it all jus turned into ghosting torturings). I can actually put on songs that cheers me up and put a smile on my face, whether it's just getting my mind dirty or make me think of party or even some dreamy eyes of a particular someone *winkwink*, I feel good with it! I like how I walk with big steps (non-soldier way) and face the wind and embrace it! Like how it was in Chicago! (Fyi that's how I first fall in love with Chicago, the wind, so strong and lively that it made me smile).
I don't have time for his shits. Even if I do, I don't have to take it, it's not compulsory. When I take it it's gonna be by choice, not an obligation.
Love,
Soya
P.S. I'm counting down, you bet x
P.P.S. Check out Rather Be by Clean Bandit if you wanna swing your head around a bit hehee
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