J: I have brought all this unto myself

Dear Soya,

I tried calling you just now and I thought I was ready to talk.  But I wasn’t.  I was still choking on my tears and I feel so broken and so guilty.  I have brought all of this unto myself.  I deserve this.

Last night, I lost my fuck buddy, the fuck buddy that I secretly love so much, so dearly.  HHG broke things off with me.  He said he really did try to understand me, but he couldn’t.  He said he couldn’t handle it; he couldn’t do anything anymore with a girl that has made out with his friend.  He was so jealous and he is hurt, and he is disrespected.

I am so sorry for what I did; my guilt is eating me alive, I swear, tearing my flesh out bit by bit.  I never thought I would behave that way.  I was so disappointed in myself, for that Friday night, I became the type of girl that I despise.  I know it is pretty common at parties, but I am not that type of girl.  8 shots and a few smokes, and I was not myself anymore.  I was gone.  What have I done?  I like him, I love him so much, and why, why did I do this to him.  Instead of showing him my love, I’ve hurt him. 

He said he can control his feelings and told me not to fall for him because he doesn’t want me to get hurt, since he will be leaving in December, going back to Brazil where he is from.  So I hid everything, I told him I wouldn’t, that I can control it.  But deep inside, I couldn’t.  I love my fuck buddy.  But it all doesn’t matter anymore.  He doesn’t want me anymore.

I close my eyes at night and I remember all the fun times I had with him, chasing snow bunnies, watching plays, kissing at the bus stop in -18 celsius, watching movies in bed, and all the fucking and cuddling, and I wish I could go back to last Friday night.  I wish time could rewind and I could undo what I’ve done.  But it couldn’t.

Now my playlist on my phone are not filled with songs about ‘why don’t you love me’ anymore, but ‘I’m sorry, come back to me’ songs.  I feel guilty and not right, listening to ‘The Truth’ or ‘Say Something’, because I am the one who had wronged him.  I just wish he will want me back.  I wish it so badly.

You are probably tired of seeing me babbling about HHG all the time.  I am so sorry.  I just can’t seem to get him off my mind.   How are things with you?  Heard you’ve been happier lately.  Tell me all about it!

Love,

Joshi

P.S. I miss you so much! Only 6 weeks and I will be back, I can’t wait to hug you and squeeze you so tight!