Tuesday, April 22, 2014

S: I'm gonna rescue you/ so you can rescue me too/ make it a rendezvous #itsdangerous

Hey Joshi,

This letter will probably be shorter than the usual ones, but I just really wanna reply already so whatnot hehe. (just spent a good few minutes staring at the last line cus idk what to say haha) Okay.




I wish I could give you my May or there's a way to buy you guys more time :/ Time is a bitch. Biggest bitch of all times. If it was a problem or people was the problem, there's at least something you could blame onto to make yourself feel at least the slightest bit better, or there will be imaginary scenes where you picture how things would have work out if you took back a specific line or some pretty special moments didn't go down the way it did. But no, haha, the clock ticks, and it hurts. Timing had always been my problem since 7 years ago. I hope it stopped now or that 'phrase' is over, I don't know if it has, I just hope it does. Apart from all the cons, the pros is that you guys know you like each other so so much before it's time for the real farewell. Yes it does harm, hurting you more and more and leaving you more memorable moments that will only come back and cut into you more deeply in the future, but you'll be glad this happened. The times you guys spent was real and it was spontaneous, fun, and most of all, you guys were happy. 


It's hard. It really is. And truth be told no one will know exactly how it feels/felt/is going to be like for you to feel those emotions. As much as I get it I wouldn't know your pain. But you'll have my word to access all the whatever cracks or bones or meat or shoulder to cry on or just lean on and go daydreaming whenever you need :) Even just the cyber ones, you know I'll be here




If you go on Tumblr and type in #dangerous, you'll find a picture of Scarlett Johansson with words that marks "A bored woman is a dangerous thing". Either I'm too good at cyber stalking or this dude have zero sense in online privacy/security, or maybe even the combination of both ends, either way, what I find by random clicking scares me, it scares me how much information I got out of it just by clicking (Yes I emphasis clicking, cus usually I would have to at least type some names to get what I want). It's scary. And I don't wanna do that. I wanna know him, I wanna know more about him, but I don't want to get all that by online stalking tho nothing's illegal or did I ever did anything out of my reach to read what I read. I wanna know him irl, I wanna get to know him by talking to him and interacting with him, and not through some crazy bitch tunnel. Does that means I like him? Maybe. If yes then perhaps I have more to feel anxious about than I intended to care/to admit. And geez, I haven't even met this person. 

Don't worry haha, tell me about falling and I can tell you stories about falling from satellite positions to heart of the Earth, that's how much I know about falling. The most important lesson I learnt from my dad is not to expect too much cus I will always end up in disappointment esp when it comes to men (sorry I'm getting so dark in here lol). But yea you have nothing to worry about me expecting too much. Esp when ET is coming to the same school and I have this class schedule thing I gotta figure out if I wanna change it and the anxiety of not getting to live in the dorm room I wanted, I've prepared myself to dealt with the possible unpleasant outcome for the prior mentioned issues. And don't worry, there are tons of less hot pictures of PA that I didn't show you hahaha, I'm not only infatuated by his pretty face.


But then, in many other ways, I'm still fascinated/attracted by him whatever you wanna call it lol. Gosh it's embarrassing *monkeycoverseyes*. It would be great if someone can explain to me why am I feeling what I feel and felt, (exhibit: 128 messages to bomb you when I speak to him). Okay this is not okay you know what, there are prettier people out there and I've met some, and no, it didn't feel that way this is getting too weird. (Or not)

Oh yea WI, now the only reason I think about him was cus when I'm in conversation with people about certain matters or friends that know about my past brought it up lol. Yea you're right it's good, tho I don't like the idea of how it's a 'use of PA' or anything. The combination of the closure I needed and got after 4 years, and this new toxic character in the story does speed up my healing process of the giant wound. And I think as for now all there's left is a scar. And as far as I'm concerned, that old thick scarred wound won't get infected anytime soon, or at least not when I'm still living in the current city.

CNB is creepy and MC is childish. Not really worth mentioning I don't wanna spend more time on this space of us to type out all my eye-rolling-ness to them cus it's total bullshit and it's crappy. The TRICKS they pulled out was grade school level (gosh I sound so arrogant here, but games was a favorite past time of mine when Gossip Girl's still playing lol gosh I sound so old here). So if that two little bitches wanna play games and be creepy against this crazy stalker they better pull out their big guns (pun not intended but well it applies to CNB, who, btw don't deserve to have a code name lol), and get ready for the end game. Gyp. This is just not how games should be played, CNB hahaha. What if you already messed up with your potential hoe when school's still three months away, then you've lost a hole to stick your dick in. Idiot. Should have started it later so by the time that stupid chick figure out your game, you had always served her the meal.

I was scrolling through my camera roll earlier today and surprisingly there are tons of quote pics that evolves around the theme of 'not changing who you are'. I hope I can stay true to myself on the road of college, and esp now, where I can already easily sense my thoughts being challenged by myself multiple times a day. Atm I'm debating whether or not to ask if that foodie girl had got herself another foodie roommate and whether or not she would like me to fill in the spot. Idk. Maybe she's got one already, she's fun and popular, and the more time I spend debating this the lesser the chances are for her not to have one. I don't know tho...you know us wallflowers (yes) isn't use to situations where you just go up and ask for something that has no relationship to do with you.

He.


Okay..so this letter went little longer than I expected :p I'll just end it here hahahha Talk soon lovely! xx


You know it,
Soya



Can't really escape from typing some PSs so here's one
PS. I know I'm over you when I don't wanna finish Supernatural anymore tho I'm only one season away from ending.






Sunday, April 20, 2014

J: You know you’re done for when you start writing poetry


Namaste Soya,

Sorry for taking so long to reply, school has been so hectic…fuck April… And I apologize for the really lengthy paragraphs of my life in the letter.  I just have so much fucking emotions inside and so much I want to tell you and update.

Aww… you screen capped and combined together our text-boxes where we were describing each other’s type!  I saved the image too, heehee, and let’s compare and if they fit when we found our ‘prince charming’ in the future!



I remember you spamming and bombing my phone that time when you talked to me about PA.  I woke up from my afternoon nap with 128 messages all from you!  How is the PA stalking going on now?  Are you still that excited about him cuz it seems like you have been talking less about him in messages?  I mean it’s cool to think that he is cool, and watch all the cool shows and makes cool art and all that jazz, but just don’t expect too much heehee.  High expectations will only lead to bigger disappointment.  (lesson well learnt..sigh) Oh well, PA is quite useful I’d say, for getting you off from WI.  You don’t talk about WI anymore and it’s a good thing!  And see, when you got to Chicago and you explore and experience your new life, it’s gonna be so much fun and so much excitement that you won’t care about WI anymore.  Perhaps to a point where WI to you is only a state, and you won’t correlate WI to the person!

Oh I kind of forgot how PA looks like, so can I see it again?  Just send it to me, lol don’t post it here gurl lol we have to have all identities kept secret and inclusive. 

And gosh, CNB is so creepy now.  Please, you don’t have to introduce us LOL.  He is way too much of a sexual creep, keep sexting you and sending you snapchats of his abs and pubes, relentlessly asking you to go over to cuddle and shower together, and keep sending the *fingerpointing* and *okaysign* emojis…Gosh, just chill dude. There’s ain’t no need to be that horny and needy-_- just go pay for some whoreservices or stuff like that or watch some porno and jerk off.  Stop bugging Soya with your inappropriate messages!  It might be fun at the beginning but he has just crossed the line, like way crossed the line.  He is not cute anymore with all that ‘nice nice cool cool woop woop lalalala’ shits.  He is gonna get so much shit in college if he still stays like that, he seems kind of try-hard to me lol I don’t know, can’t judge since I don’t know him.  But I mean from all the sexting and pube-y snapchats, you can kind of tell what sucky player he is.  Keep me posted on how he goes, lol I’m interested in seeing how he will end up! (And don’t sell yourself for his Starbucks Keurig machine! Just kidding hehee I know you won’t)


Even though you are meeting creepy people like CNB, it still seems a lot of fun, seeing you already texting so many of your future classmates!  You seem so excited about going to school in Chicago, well, I mean it’s your dream school and your dream, so yea, you must be excited.

And what’s with MC? Gosh, he is also creepy now. (why are guys all so creepy now, I just don’t get it)  Like how he posts his status in answer to your status about the ewhy bug in your room, and how he then copied and pasted that status to your comments is just gosh….and the fucking ultimatum -_- god dammit, I’m just gonna forget about it.  If he wants to come back, then just come back and we can be friends again.  If he doesn’t, well, it’s his loss.  Fucking immature.  Sorry for introducing him to you, he’s like bugging you now and shit like that.  Sigh, he should get a life, go find new friends and meet new people and do stuff, instead of staying at home and sulking and looking at the computer either playing dota or bugging people.  




So as you know, I have been hanging out with VKG a whole lot more recently.  He wants to hang out every other day. (and since he won’t be here next weekend, because he has to go to Chicago to do all his visa shits for his graduation trip to Europe, he wants to meet every day this week!) Gosh , I am really starting to like him and I am liking him a lot.  We hung out on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and I end up spending both nights with him! Kekeke I really like to be with him, it makes me so comfortable and happy, I couldn’t stop smiling.


VKG showed me this song:) 

And yesterday was so wonderful.  Even though he was kind of testing my patience with his terrible texting habits (see, both you and I, soya dear, are perfect texters), when he came, I just let everything go because I just couldn’t hold any grudges against him. We met at Java and grabbed coffee and studied for a bit, then we went to lay in the lawn and just chill, staring at the jet streams and flurry clouds, and listening to music and cuddling and making out on the grass J *monkeycovereyes* After that, we went to an Indian restaurant where he showed me some really good food, and then we sneaked into a fire escape and climbed to the top of the building.  Though some fuckers locked the gate to the roof L But it’s alright, we just laid on the fire exit and watched the sunset and talked and laid around.   The view of the city is so beautiful! Especially during sunset, the sky was a lilac haze and so soft I wish I could touch it. VKG and I talked about him leaving and our future and how the universe is messing with us with our timing that we meet each other, and then we both got quite sad.   Then he went to my room and we…well you know what we did :p *monkeycovereyes* and I think we are actually getting better at it and having more fun since we have quite a lot of practice and have gotten to know each other’s body quite well. 

And because on Thursday night when he called his parents, I kept teasing him and I was blowing him and touching him, he decided to retaliate when I called my parents last night. Gosh that was fun and I couldn’t stand it, I kicked him off my bed! lol
  

Then we went to a house party with some friends, which was pretty fun, and he was quite tipsy.  We missed the last bus so we had to walk back together, and well, that is when things started to go wrong.  We sort of argued, as you know.  He was upset that I wasn’t jealous when he was talking to other girls.  I really trusted him, so I didn’t feel jealous.  I thought it’s cool of me to not be jealous… of course, I felt a bit awkward, but I wasn’t mad at him or anything.  And I sort of told him that it’s fine
since we are just a one month thing and then he got mad and sad.  He said he doesn’t see this as just a one month thing, and he doesn’t want to leave and he doesn’t know what to do, and he doesn’t know what I want from him because I keep saying he will be gone in a month.  And then he fucking cried!  He said he is scared of how much he likes me, and I felt so happy and sad at the same time I didn’t know what to do and I was so helpless.  Gosh, I am such a lucky girl to have met him (or not since he is leaving)  He said he really really like me, but when I said I really really like him as well, he doesn’t believe me. I don’t know how to prove it to him.  And he started crying again when we got back to my place, and I held him and we fell asleep.  But this morning when we woke up, things seem fine and happy, so I guess it’s all alright for now.


And fuck me. I am so getting attached to VKG already, I don’t know how depressed we both will be when we part.  And you know how when you start to have words flow through you, and you start writing poetry about a guy, or love, or the loss of love for/from a guy, you know you are already done for.  I wrote my first poem about VKG a few days ago. I thought I could give the poem to him a few days before we part or something like that.  It’s quite long though, but I guess I could show you the last stanza?  It’s about him leaving in a month. 

If we could have met at a better time

Not in haste, nor impending goodbyes
Perhaps I wouldn’t have to miss you
Perhaps you could have stayed by my side.
This is getting so long, I apologize for that.  And I have to leave for dinne with XX now!  I am meeting her new bf tonight lol…she changes pictures so often ikr.
Oh well, have fun stalking!
Joshi