S: Take me to Chicago, San Francisco Bay. I really want to come kick it with you. You'll be my American Boy, American boy.

Dear Joshi, 

I should be writing my essay instead of typing this and I should just text you about what I’m gonna type but the text convo we’re having is on chill TGIF mode so I’ll type the sadness here lol.

So I just read an essay my friend wrote for our english class. Yes another personal essay. Yes it was intense and sad again. At first when she mention this boy she couldn’t imagine living without I thought it was “oh another love story”, and as I read it, I thought “oh another best friend overfeel”. But then. It was suicide. And now it’s fucking intense. It’s fucking intense cus it was a 4 years friendship. It was fucking intense cus it was the kind of person you’re so close with that you can’t imagine living without but now you have to. It was so intense because you thought you knew everything about them but there’s always been this giant weight on them that you never knew and now you kind of feel guilty about it although it was never your fault to begin with. Gosh. And there’s this line, that I love, that I hope she don’t type in search engine so she’ll find this blog, but here you go: It seemed so cruel how the world stayed the same while I was going through severe pain. Isn’t this perfect. This is so on-point it pointed out exactly how it felt or it must have felt or it would have felt. Imagine this being a mixture of WI with ALK or maybe even with you in the mix. God. I couldn’t have survive this. I mean, I could, but life would never be the same and god knows how long it would take for me to dread my daily life and find the actual will and motivation for me to look forward to each day again. (So many God in the last sentences or two and I’m not even religious/that religious) (Not that art can’t give me satisfaction to some extend).

Okay onto the next negativity lol. So I rant about my roommate to my friend. And her conclusion was that we’re too close. We should’t have gone that close. Background of the story her two roommates are super quiet and shy, well maybe not shy if you’re close with them but definitely quiet. So you can imagine how that must be like, comparing to me and my roommate who blast Anaconda with fail attempts of butt workout and getting pet bamboo together. But lately I’m not sure if she’s on pills or whatsoever, anyways after the drama between she and her boyfriend ‘taking time off’ and getting back together, she got messy. I mean, she’s still her. But ugh idek how to say it. So. Ugh. Okay. I just texted my friend: looks like I should only expect dishes to be washed once a week. Yep. This is how it is like now. We used to wash the dishes latest by 2 days. And I usually wash her plates and whatever whenever I wash mine. But as time goes by, I got tired of it as she’s always cooking her meals here  (with her boyfriend thats why) and I’ve always been such a lazy ass that I either get food takeouts/eat outside or eat with the meal plan in canteen. It’s fine. Fine with me. But then I got tired of having (well technically I don’t have to but the kind part of me said so) to wash a full sink of her dishes when I only have to wash one tiny plate I used for my toast and the cup that hold my milk. Perhaps it bugs me because she was the first person to use my newly bought Anthology orange ceramic bowl and I was too cool (or wnabe lol gosh) to say no. I do mind it. But she asked “is it okay”. Well then, why not. Saying no cus it’s just new doesn’t seem right. But yea, it bugs me. And the fact that she borrowed my plate on monday and I wanna use it on thursday night but I can’t cus it’s still in the sink annoys me. I should have been able to use it. And I also didn’t cook on monday bcs I don’t have containers. And speaking of that she also use the boxes I got from Target to store her leftovers. I think she should have asked. Well she didn’t. And I only have three boxes, two plates, two bowls. And I need all of it. But at the same time I’m using all the pans and pots and oven from her, so maybe that’s the reason why I didn’t say anything but instead I’m ranting here to you. I should have only complained after talking to her about it and nothing changed and situation didn’t improve. But you and I both know I’m not exactly the type to talk things out this way. Unless I’m pissed, then maybe. But then also I usually don’t give a fuck about what they feel anymore if they got me that/this pissed, but then again this is my roommate we are talking about. So nah. Idk. Ugh. Oh. Also. Perhaps it because the way she get me to throw out trashes or do whatever chores was always phrased so nicely, with her super sweet girly voice, and always begin with “hey do you wanna do this this this”. Well. Who would want to. But nah, not really, can’t really say no to that. Maybe this will be justified if I’m a man, that I’m masked blind by her beauty or sweet talk or dye art thou shall not fear LOL but anyways. She sounded nice and I’m am nice. Bleh.

                      

So. PA. Okay. Let’s be honest. This school with their all modely students. He is definitely not the best looking guy I assure you. And speaking of that we aka me and my friend had found the best looking Asian guy in the school not that we have Asian fetish or anything haha, but PA looks Asian so just fyi. And this best looking Asian guy is super good looking as I mentioned. He’s tall, he’s cute, he has big eyes unlike PA, and he works out obviously, and he skates, and his profile picture is with his mom (awh how sweet.) and he’s the hookup buddy of my pretty pretty Canadian/Korean friend so. But idk, even as I was look at this SGA, I know it doesn’t feel that way. PA is not that good looking, not that good looking anymore to me (which is the point). But idk, there’s just something about PA that I’ve never been able to pin-point, that got me hooked on to it. (Oh forgot to type about this but SGA is hot). So last week I had this ass long deep conversation with my friend. And out of this conversation about everything, we talked about Americans (no offense). And how sometimes they really are as blonde as the Hollywood movie depicts, and how shallow they are a lot of times, or sometimes, idk it depends ya know. And we talked about how everytime when I see PA as just the cute ass dude that is brainless and boring and black & white as my friend in his class said, something shows up and change that view of him that I have. E.g. the snapchat I saw from his roommate’s story that he skypes his sister, or the fact that he is a mega super omg bravo drawer (lol) well illustrator. Like that one instagram post that I saw and at first glance I thought “oh so someone decide to post all the stuffs from their pocket again how creative, and what filter is that it looks weird (foggy)” and 3 seconds after I scrolled away I scroll back and realize it’s actually a drawing and the voice in my brain turned that bitchy comment into OHMY-WUTTTTTTTT. Yes. It’s that good, that hyperrealistic. My friend said maybe it’s because he has always been hanging with the Americans or that all his friends were just shallow and go like ‘whee-yay-party-booze-fuck’, anyways there was this line that she said that really got to me and stuck on my mind till even this moment still, aka a week later. 

Perhaps you just happened to accidentally saw that side of him that no one else got to, or at least normally. 

Preeeeetty sure your life is amazing rn with VKG by your side :p Not gonna bug you about it heheh but let me know! Busy busy life right here and I don’t even realize this is the mythical mid-term until my roommate told me so lol. And there I thought oh we art school kids have no midterms -_-.

Oh. And uh. So. There was this random snapchat story he posted earlier this week. And man. Not to be cliche or schoolgirly or fancraycray or anything. But damn the only thing that came to my mind when I saw that was: /you've got a smile that could light up this whole town/

And well this is a big town with tons of lights and bulbs.

You know it. You do.

Love,

Soya

S: I'll never make it right if you don't want me around

Hey bae,

I'm sorry for not giving you the amount of attention I should as everything is so overwhelming on my side. I could no longer keep track of what were the things I told you and what was just thoughts that tumble upon my mind and rolled into a bigger snowball/poopball, so I'm just gonna type everything (or most) as if you're right by my side to hear my rant.

First thing first, fuck men and their their brains.

Yes I would very much love to fuck them (yes I'm warning you this school is doing something to my brain), I would very much love to fuck their shitty ass little brain out of them but as on this subject matter. Nope, screw these guys. Like. Seriously. Men and your intelligence. On the scale one to infinitely how dumb are you with what you want and what you think you want/say. Dude. Is it really that difficult. Can't you just pretty please leave the field of mind games to girls. Just say what you wanna say and do what you wanna do and stop going around in circles as if we've got years of time to waste on you one single shitty human being that is gonna get me so pissed at myself for pouring emotions on you. Okay maybe not. Maybe he could be the one, you could be the one, we would walk to the very end like Faye Wong and Nicholas Tse (yes my favorite romance story as of the moment and I doubt any story could top that for awhile, okay maybe the Chicago love story that the guy n the girl met on the first day upon her arrival to this city. ANYWAYS.). (Oh gosh now I realize this sound be the most rantful ranting piece I've typed to you by far) I'm just so pissed at VKG for doing all these things to you. Yes, well, if you argue, technically he's not doing anything. And logically (screw that tho), this is the way he lives his life and his personality and life style and you shouldn't "try to change him", but there's a very fine lie between changing/wanting the change someone and the self-awareness/care you show upon the other person's sake and well-being. CARE. CHUNOE? If you care, if you really care, you outta not do things only for yourself if you care, if you care about this other person. It's not like a limitation or anything, you're not one of those super jealousy control freak ocd girls, it's just a sense of at-homeness, security, the feeling of being loved that everyone (in most case) enjoys. Is it that hard? Well if it is then DUDE YOU DON'T DESERVE MY BAE.

Well since I'm in the mood of being bossy and a shitty bitch, there's two options. 1-force him to DTR or break it, 2- endure what he's up to (aka you guys are not a thing not in a relationship hes not your boyfriend and youre not his girl) and just tolerate it cus you love him and wanna be with him so much you don't care about the title and you're just swallow the need of sense of security. As the two of us endure totally different spirit, I can't pick one for you and I won't pick one for you. I hope you're feeling better as this might already be an overdue letter and situations/things might had changed ( I hope it got better). But anyhow. I hope you're happy. Cus no matter who you're with or whether you're with no one at all, it's all about your own state of mind and if you feel good about what you're experiencing and feeling.

What does it say about a person judging by the other half they dates/sees?

What does it say about a person if that's the girl they dates?

/’Cause you never were, and you never will be mine!

That’s right, that’s right, that’s right! 

No you never were and you never will be mine! 

That’s right, that’s right, that’s right! 

There’s a moment to seize every time that we meet, But you always keep passing me by. 

No, you never were, and you never will be mine!/

Idk how much I told you about tuesday but it was fsho the worst day I've had whole summer/since I got here/for the last half year or the last worst day was the day I found out about the possibility of me not being able to come to this school so imagine the intensity of this haha. So for tuesday, if you're wondering why was it bad, we'll have to look at this in a couple different parts cus it is a combination of a combination. || Anyways so I resume typing this thing a night after. Basically, that was the day when 6 of my close friends or people around me told me about them thinking of breaking up/ are taking a break/wanting to break up/ gotta have THE TALK. It was terrible, partly bcs I can't be there for some of them and partly bcs I honestly could do nth to help in any ways. And then I was in this english class called mind and memory at work. It was a really sad class, as the memory that trigger the most emotional materials to write about are usually not the positive ones. So there's this girl, who wrote about her dad with depression who suicided. It was intense. Super intense. She was good. She's so good with her words and writings that it made me cringe. It was so strong and powerful that I felt like my dad was the one dying. As it is the crit day, we had to get deep into the essay to analyse it and shits (it was only a draft.) And at that very same moment, my friend txted me about PA's seeing someone.

Not that I should care not that I'm in any place to care not that I have anything to care about. But it strike me. It strike me at that emotionally vulnerable moment where I was cringing. My letter to you is getting shitty and messy but whatevs. So anyways. It was bad. Very bad. I went to canteen that located on the second floor, and I wasn't feeling food anyways so I didn't even bother to check what's cook Okay so the canteen scene I mixed up with wednesday a little. But anyways. On tuesday I didn't eat lunch, I got a box of milk and that's it. It was ironic cus that was the day when I first saw the girl who he's allegedly seeing for the first time irl. Like, I know who she is, she's been on my fb for months and she's BC's roommate and I know her face and she used to be on my snapchat and shits. Anyways, it was ironic cus that's the first time I ever see her irl even tho I've got here for a month. And I saw her twice that day. As for wednesday. I wasn't feeling food for lunch either. I went to the canteen floor and I saw PA. I know my friends' around too but I cbf to go over there, I can't handle this. Luckily I brought my computer with me for lunch that day for whatever odd gut feeling I felt like I have. I grabbed a Froot Loops cup cus it always make things better, and went to the ground floor and sit in the couch aread behind the fancy stairs. It was weird, I made myself seem busy and do the readings shit. My friend saw me on her way to the second canteen floor and stopped by and took a little chat. Phew. Anyways this was a bad week, or I just had a few rough days emotionally. (Dk where to insert this and I couldn't be bothered, so the last part that composed the worst tuesday was the fact that my roommate and her bf were like taking a break, where as they were like old married couples from the first time I saw them, also my handcream exposed and filled up my whole front backpack pocket) All these had contributed to top my most hated tuesday where both my English class and Art History class take place on, which I hate.

Too sleepy to type you some good stuff or tidy up the letter. I hope I don't sound too messy as I know my mind is and you can still read it. I'll talk to you more later and hopefully by then everything would be better and I would really be able to care less/not care at all. It's conflicted, it feel conflicted. On one hand I know I should just look at him as some beautiful human being and maybe like a celeb, but on the other hand I know he's more than just a crush, especially after I took a look at the Ohlife thingy. I grabbed dinner take out with some friends tonite and while my friend was telling me he saw his work and they're actually good, and not like how he seem totally unrelated and not interested in art, he's ACTUALLY GOOD. My other friend ask me to show her his work and I did, and she went like "OMG THIS IS SO UNFAIR. HOW CAN PEOPLE BE GOOD LOOKING AND GOOD AT ART?! YOU CAN ONLY PICK ONE!!!". Well that's how good he is. Ofc there are always good looking artists, but well yea. You really won't expect that from him from his looks and the attitude/vibe he give off.

Okay I'm really too tired to continue doing this rn so I'm gonna sign off. I'll talk to you more and soon babe xxx

Love,

Yours 

P.S. My friend was kind enough to blast through a loud nostalgic embarrassing song/karaoke moment with me ytd unintentionally. And this was the first song on the queue.

I'll have to tell you more and explain that later. And it's not that I mean every thing of this song althou some are pretty accurate lol

#deliberatelylookingaway#why#dudeyousawmehuh

J: Just hold me like you always do. Love me and leave it undefined.

So it's me again. It's been so long since we've wrote here. It's late night and I am kind of feeling down, so don't expect fun gifs. I'm just not in the mood. Sorry, lovely.

I just really want to get it out my chest. You know, I just sat in my chair this morning when I came  back from my first two classes, and tears just came naturally flooding from my eyes. My heart was so heavy. And you know who I am going to talk about now, do you. It's always him, always VKG. Tell me, why do I love him so. (Okay, I probably sound dumb now, like some desperate teen girl rant. Please bear with me.)

Flash back to Saturday night, I got pretty drunk and I miss him so much, so I message him. I told him I ain't going volunteering winter break, I am spending my break with him. I told him I miss him, I hate the distance. And what he makes fun of me drunk texting and said 'i miss you toos' and stuff, and  then there he goes again about 'this is why I don't want to be official. The distance...blah blah blah...We ought to keep our clear heads or else it might have ruined things' and I asked him bluntly this time (since I was drunk, normally I just let him by) 'why will it ruin things?' I knew what he would say and yes, he said exactly what I think he would. He asked me what was on my mind, where was I getting at. Funny he asked me that. What was on my mind. Him, he is on my fucking mind and I am fucking tired of him always occupying my mind when he is never here physically. He laughed and said that it was sweet and not silly and he is glad I expressed how I feel. And then that was that. I went to bed, I didn't want to talk anymore for I was balling my eyes out on my pillow. Am I love sick?

Sunday night, we skyped. He asked me about my drunk texts, worrying that I was tired of him. He asked me if I want to continue. What the fuck? Why wouldn't I? I asked him back immediately after saying 'yes' 'yes' and 'yes' and he said 'of course yes, did you ever see me hesitate?' Gosh, he thinks I'm hesitating. I am not. The conversation got so intense, so serious, so heavy. And then we got to the dtr bit. He knows that I want to dtr, and he asked me is he right. But my ego, my ego just wouldn't let me. I just said I am happy with what we have now. Which is partly true, I am happy and unhappy at the same time, it hurts. I don't even know what I am feeling. But he could see through me, and he explained all that bullshit again. 

And then he said 'I wouldn't call this a relationship.' What the fuck?

He explained. 'A relationship is like what happened last semester, at least for me. To be in the same place and hang out together, go eat and chill and do things together...blah blah blah...talking on skype is not a relationship. I hope you understand.' What the fuck. (Gosh, typing this alone is making me cry. I don't think I am accurately portraying how intense the conversation was and how the vibe and mood of the exchange had, but trust me. It hurt.) I felt like I didn't know him, or I know so little about him at that moment. I felt like I was back to square one. He keep telling me to tell him what's on my mind, what do I want, what am I thinking. Gosh, he well knows what I am thinking. It's him, and dtr, and him and dtr. I just don't get it. This is not a relationship. So are we friends now? (Okay, he didn't say we were just friends but I mean, what are we?) Friends don't say 'I love you' this way. Friends don't write love letters to each other. Friends don't tell friends they masturbate thinking of you. Friends don't talk like this, drunk dial friends like this. Friends don't ask you to be patient, to wait for three years, to live together in a rad city and be a rad couple together. Friends just don't.

He was the one who said we were practically dating. He was the one who told his friends (okay, not so close friends, but still) that I am his gf. He was the one who fucking said last semester that if he were to count and look back in the future, I am his second girlfriend. 

I told him, even if I don't believe in it, that 'It's okay. I understand, and that is what our plan was anyway. We don't need to slap a name on us. I am fine.' But I am not. 

It is so difficult, you know. Let me warn you now, soyalovely. Ldr is the shit. Ldr hurts and just don't do ldr. I just want him here so bad. I miss him so bad. Now that I know there is exactly 18 days till the day I will see him again, I have grown so restless, I have grown to need him so much. And I try. I try so hard to not be needy (because what he said that night we said goodbye last May, is going to scar me for life, and it is scaring me right now). The thought of the conversation Sunday night and the sight of the drunk messages exchange on Saturday just make me tear up and ball my eyes out in a snap of the fingers. Am I going nuts?

I love him. I still love him despite all that, and I know he loves me too. But don't you think it is such a coward of him? Doesn't he have faith in me? Or perhaps in himself? This is not a relationship. Now I am confused. What the fuck are we? 

J: I'm still hoping it's him and me in the end.

Hey lovely,

I just finished reading and I felt like I had to reply you this instant because I just feel like I had to. Despite your late night half conscious half sane writing, which took me awhile to read because it is quite late as I was reading it as well, I could feel your bitterness oozing through the grey words on the screen. (and i did type the letter out but it took be three days to get it ready to publish the post...see life is so fucking hectic and busy in HK I hate it, I basically have no life on the weekdays)

I mean, every time we hang out, you seem fine, and like regular quirky and fun Sonia, even when you were moaning about your love  life and all that, you kept it not as sad as you sounded in the letter, and just now, reading this, I was like ‘oh gosh, I have been neglecting my hubby’s sorrows and love troubles, like I knew about them but not their level of intensity.’

Sigh, you ‘ve fallen into the love trap and he’s standing outside watching you struggling. (the song kekekeke) What’s so special about that guy, right? But oh well, I am pretty sure you have no idea. Or is it an obsession?  I don’t know, just trying to lay things out for you. But like, moving on, new obsession, lose obsession, move on and next, and then repeat cycle is not healthy and it seems so tiring, isn’t it? I really hope you can get over this, but I know it takes time and it’s all so hard, but I am worried that like you will move on and new guy and move on when you get to chicagogo, and touch wood don’t get STDs (sorry for saying that, touch a million woods touch the entire amazon forest). Gotta protect yourself, babe.

Relationships and love are tough, and it all sucks, but it is sweet as well. Sometimes. Sometimes only. I know that. It sometimes is all a game, and you’ll just have to see who plays it better, or who is the loser. Who was the heartbreaker and who had their hearts broken. I couldn’t say that the heartbreaker is the lucky one, because the breaker never feels. The breaker just moves on and breaks more, and their hearts, deep down is scarred every time they broke a heart, and the scars just heal and become hard as stone. Soon the heartbreaker will not feel anymore because their hearts are cold already. The heartbreakee feels. They feel hurt and pain and suffering and sorrows, but at least they can still feel, and they know what to do and what not to do, and how to feel and how not to feel about someone, to someone in the future, and one day, the right heart will show up, I assure you, soya babe, and you will be happy and satisfied with the strong arms and warm embrace and kind heart, and perhaps for you, you need a bitchy mouth and rad attitudes and stubbles and hot hair too. (like the bitchy mouth and smartass inchy brain of the skout guy *smirk) Oh, can you allow me to describe your dream guy just to let you ff and make you happy for a bit?

So imagine this guy with PA’s looks, and skoutguy’s inchy mouth, WI’s childhood memories and attachedness, and the longhairugly guy’s je ne sais shit quoi… (did I score the jackpot? Are you smiling now?)

(this is so cliche sorry :p)

Whatttttt! You are fed up with the clubbing scene already? What about this Friday? Don’t leave me, we are going out and you have to take care of me, I’m such a kid, never been out clubbing. So here’s my virgin clubbing experience, I am handing it to you sincerely, so don’t you leave joshi aloneee. And do keep an eye on me, I don’t want to get drunk and make out with random guy, you know I have had past records (though it ended in happiness now lol) but still, I don’t want to ruin my east-asia romance/fling/idkwhatweare now kekekeke.

(this pic is seriously everywhere haunting meeee)

As for me and vkg, you have no idea how much I have felt and how many times I have cried at night, lying in bed alone, or in shower, just because I miss him so much.  I have never missed someone so intensely. But things are going well, I think. Now that he is at home, and done with travelling, we got to talk, message and skype a lot more. And sometimes he says really sweet things to me, and he sings and whistles to me when I’m crying when we were skyping.  But sometimes, you know how he is with his phone and replying to messages, I mean I do see him making improvements, but You know how I am a phoneaholic and he is like phoneophobic (okay I’m exaggerating). I am still trying to get used to his sometimes mia-ness. I mean maybe I am really asking too much, we do exchange long convos at least like twice a day, sometimes more and sometimes when I’m lucky, he will be online for like half an hour and we can exchange convo, oh and we skype like thrice a week? I mean I can function with this much communicating now, and I can learn to get used to it.

Oh, and I need to tell you this, I was so pissed Sunday morning at him, then at myself. So we were going to watch Ruby Sparks together sometime this week when we figured out a good way to, since iChat is no longer a thing. And then he downloaded it and watched it BY HIMSELF Saturday night and messaged me and told me how good it was and thanks for recommending it and like what he liked about the movie. I was like DUDE we were supposed to watch it together, TOGETHER like YOU and ME, THAT IS TOGETHER. But then I got mad at myself two hours later because I couldn’t get angry at him anymore after he replied me and we exchanged like three lines…he is so good at calming me rawrrr fuck, I was going to be mad at him until he can compensate me something heehehe :p

I just need to feel connected to him somehow everyday, and I think, at least on my side, I won’t change. My heart can stay the same. I really hope he can stay the same too. I really think I scored the jackpot this time, but  I mean who knows, maybe a year later, a month later, you will be busy lending me your shoulders and picking me up in broken pieces. But at least for now I feel loved, I am loving and I am happy. Or happy and sad at the same time still.

You know how the saying goes: when someone makes you the happiest and the saddest at the same time, that’s when it’s real, when it’s worth something. Vkg does makes me the happiest and the saddest at the same time. Missing someone hurts.  I think you will understand.

When you miss someone, you find yourself lying in bed past midnight, with a warm drop of tear rolling down the side of your face, and you realize you are crying. Sometimes, you will want to cry. You think that tears can wash away all sorrows and wash you closer ashore. It does sometimes, but sometimes you will just wail and wail until your voice breaks and your eyes swell and you notice, nothing has changed. The distance is still present.

But I know that missing someone is patience. Every wave of longing are waves I have to learn to overcome. I will choke and fall but I will try my best to rise back up every time (and I count on you to help me too) because I know, I will never want to let the warm waters go. I really hope that one day I will ride those fucking waves in glory and with my east-asian-dude by my side and be all rad and shit.

This is getting hella long and I’m tired, and it’s been a long day so I’m going to sign off now, hun’. Can’t wait till Friday! There’s gonna be a typhoon though, do you think our plan still works?

Love you shit ton,

Joshi

P.S You got me hooked onto that song! Love it LOVE it.