So it's me again. It's been so long since we've wrote here. It's late night and I am kind of feeling down, so don't expect fun gifs. I'm just not in the mood. Sorry, lovely.
I just really want to get it out my chest. You know, I just sat in my chair this morning when I came back from my first two classes, and tears just came naturally flooding from my eyes. My heart was so heavy. And you know who I am going to talk about now, do you. It's always him, always VKG. Tell me, why do I love him so. (Okay, I probably sound dumb now, like some desperate teen girl rant. Please bear with me.)
Flash back to Saturday night, I got pretty drunk and I miss him so much, so I message him. I told him I ain't going volunteering winter break, I am spending my break with him. I told him I miss him, I hate the distance. And what he makes fun of me drunk texting and said 'i miss you toos' and stuff, and then there he goes again about 'this is why I don't want to be official. The distance...blah blah blah...We ought to keep our clear heads or else it might have ruined things' and I asked him bluntly this time (since I was drunk, normally I just let him by) 'why will it ruin things?' I knew what he would say and yes, he said exactly what I think he would. He asked me what was on my mind, where was I getting at. Funny he asked me that. What was on my mind. Him, he is on my fucking mind and I am fucking tired of him always occupying my mind when he is never here physically. He laughed and said that it was sweet and not silly and he is glad I expressed how I feel. And then that was that. I went to bed, I didn't want to talk anymore for I was balling my eyes out on my pillow. Am I love sick?
Sunday night, we skyped. He asked me about my drunk texts, worrying that I was tired of him. He asked me if I want to continue. What the fuck? Why wouldn't I? I asked him back immediately after saying 'yes' 'yes' and 'yes' and he said 'of course yes, did you ever see me hesitate?' Gosh, he thinks I'm hesitating. I am not. The conversation got so intense, so serious, so heavy. And then we got to the dtr bit. He knows that I want to dtr, and he asked me is he right. But my ego, my ego just wouldn't let me. I just said I am happy with what we have now. Which is partly true, I am happy and unhappy at the same time, it hurts. I don't even know what I am feeling. But he could see through me, and he explained all that bullshit again.
And then he said 'I wouldn't call this a relationship.' What the fuck?
He explained. 'A relationship is like what happened last semester, at least for me. To be in the same place and hang out together, go eat and chill and do things together...blah blah blah...talking on skype is not a relationship. I hope you understand.' What the fuck. (Gosh, typing this alone is making me cry. I don't think I am accurately portraying how intense the conversation was and how the vibe and mood of the exchange had, but trust me. It hurt.) I felt like I didn't know him, or I know so little about him at that moment. I felt like I was back to square one. He keep telling me to tell him what's on my mind, what do I want, what am I thinking. Gosh, he well knows what I am thinking. It's him, and dtr, and him and dtr. I just don't get it. This is not a relationship. So are we friends now? (Okay, he didn't say we were just friends but I mean, what are we?) Friends don't say 'I love you' this way. Friends don't write love letters to each other. Friends don't tell friends they masturbate thinking of you. Friends don't talk like this, drunk dial friends like this. Friends don't ask you to be patient, to wait for three years, to live together in a rad city and be a rad couple together. Friends just don't.
He was the one who said we were practically dating. He was the one who told his friends (okay, not so close friends, but still) that I am his gf. He was the one who fucking said last semester that if he were to count and look back in the future, I am his second girlfriend.
I told him, even if I don't believe in it, that 'It's okay. I understand, and that is what our plan was anyway. We don't need to slap a name on us. I am fine.' But I am not.
It is so difficult, you know. Let me warn you now, soyalovely. Ldr is the shit. Ldr hurts and just don't do ldr. I just want him here so bad. I miss him so bad. Now that I know there is exactly 18 days till the day I will see him again, I have grown so restless, I have grown to need him so much. And I try. I try so hard to not be needy (because what he said that night we said goodbye last May, is going to scar me for life, and it is scaring me right now). The thought of the conversation Sunday night and the sight of the drunk messages exchange on Saturday just make me tear up and ball my eyes out in a snap of the fingers. Am I going nuts?
I love him. I still love him despite all that, and I know he loves me too. But don't you think it is such a coward of him? Doesn't he have faith in me? Or perhaps in himself? This is not a relationship. Now I am confused. What the fuck are we?
No comments:
Post a Comment