Dear Joshi,
I should be writing my essay instead of typing this and I should just text you about what I’m gonna type but the text convo we’re having is on chill TGIF mode so I’ll type the sadness here lol.
So I just read an essay my friend wrote for our english class. Yes another personal essay. Yes it was intense and sad again. At first when she mention this boy she couldn’t imagine living without I thought it was “oh another love story”, and as I read it, I thought “oh another best friend overfeel”. But then. It was suicide. And now it’s fucking intense. It’s fucking intense cus it was a 4 years friendship. It was fucking intense cus it was the kind of person you’re so close with that you can’t imagine living without but now you have to. It was so intense because you thought you knew everything about them but there’s always been this giant weight on them that you never knew and now you kind of feel guilty about it although it was never your fault to begin with. Gosh. And there’s this line, that I love, that I hope she don’t type in search engine so she’ll find this blog, but here you go: It seemed so cruel how the world stayed the same while I was going through severe pain. Isn’t this perfect. This is so on-point it pointed out exactly how it felt or it must have felt or it would have felt. Imagine this being a mixture of WI with ALK or maybe even with you in the mix. God. I couldn’t have survive this. I mean, I could, but life would never be the same and god knows how long it would take for me to dread my daily life and find the actual will and motivation for me to look forward to each day again. (So many God in the last sentences or two and I’m not even religious/that religious) (Not that art can’t give me satisfaction to some extend).
Okay onto the next negativity lol. So I rant about my roommate to my friend. And her conclusion was that we’re too close. We should’t have gone that close. Background of the story her two roommates are super quiet and shy, well maybe not shy if you’re close with them but definitely quiet. So you can imagine how that must be like, comparing to me and my roommate who blast Anaconda with fail attempts of butt workout and getting pet bamboo together. But lately I’m not sure if she’s on pills or whatsoever, anyways after the drama between she and her boyfriend ‘taking time off’ and getting back together, she got messy. I mean, she’s still her. But ugh idek how to say it. So. Ugh. Okay. I just texted my friend: looks like I should only expect dishes to be washed once a week. Yep. This is how it is like now. We used to wash the dishes latest by 2 days. And I usually wash her plates and whatever whenever I wash mine. But as time goes by, I got tired of it as she’s always cooking her meals here (with her boyfriend thats why) and I’ve always been such a lazy ass that I either get food takeouts/eat outside or eat with the meal plan in canteen. It’s fine. Fine with me. But then I got tired of having (well technically I don’t have to but the kind part of me said so) to wash a full sink of her dishes when I only have to wash one tiny plate I used for my toast and the cup that hold my milk. Perhaps it bugs me because she was the first person to use my newly bought Anthology orange ceramic bowl and I was too cool (or wnabe lol gosh) to say no. I do mind it. But she asked “is it okay”. Well then, why not. Saying no cus it’s just new doesn’t seem right. But yea, it bugs me. And the fact that she borrowed my plate on monday and I wanna use it on thursday night but I can’t cus it’s still in the sink annoys me. I should have been able to use it. And I also didn’t cook on monday bcs I don’t have containers. And speaking of that she also use the boxes I got from Target to store her leftovers. I think she should have asked. Well she didn’t. And I only have three boxes, two plates, two bowls. And I need all of it. But at the same time I’m using all the pans and pots and oven from her, so maybe that’s the reason why I didn’t say anything but instead I’m ranting here to you. I should have only complained after talking to her about it and nothing changed and situation didn’t improve. But you and I both know I’m not exactly the type to talk things out this way. Unless I’m pissed, then maybe. But then also I usually don’t give a fuck about what they feel anymore if they got me that/this pissed, but then again this is my roommate we are talking about. So nah. Idk. Ugh. Oh. Also. Perhaps it because the way she get me to throw out trashes or do whatever chores was always phrased so nicely, with her super sweet girly voice, and always begin with “hey do you wanna do this this this”. Well. Who would want to. But nah, not really, can’t really say no to that. Maybe this will be justified if I’m a man, that I’m masked blind by her beauty or sweet talk or dye art thou shall not fear LOL but anyways. She sounded nice and I’m am nice. Bleh.
So. PA. Okay. Let’s be honest. This school with their all modely students. He is definitely not the best looking guy I assure you. And speaking of that we aka me and my friend had found the best looking Asian guy in the school not that we have Asian fetish or anything haha, but PA looks Asian so just fyi. And this best looking Asian guy is super good looking as I mentioned. He’s tall, he’s cute, he has big eyes unlike PA, and he works out obviously, and he skates, and his profile picture is with his mom (awh how sweet.) and he’s the hookup buddy of my pretty pretty Canadian/Korean friend so. But idk, even as I was look at this SGA, I know it doesn’t feel that way. PA is not that good looking, not that good looking anymore to me (which is the point). But idk, there’s just something about PA that I’ve never been able to pin-point, that got me hooked on to it. (Oh forgot to type about this but SGA is hot). So last week I had this ass long deep conversation with my friend. And out of this conversation about everything, we talked about Americans (no offense). And how sometimes they really are as blonde as the Hollywood movie depicts, and how shallow they are a lot of times, or sometimes, idk it depends ya know. And we talked about how everytime when I see PA as just the cute ass dude that is brainless and boring and black & white as my friend in his class said, something shows up and change that view of him that I have. E.g. the snapchat I saw from his roommate’s story that he skypes his sister, or the fact that he is a mega super omg bravo drawer (lol) well illustrator. Like that one instagram post that I saw and at first glance I thought “oh so someone decide to post all the stuffs from their pocket again how creative, and what filter is that it looks weird (foggy)” and 3 seconds after I scrolled away I scroll back and realize it’s actually a drawing and the voice in my brain turned that bitchy comment into OHMY-WUTTTTTTTT. Yes. It’s that good, that hyperrealistic. My friend said maybe it’s because he has always been hanging with the Americans or that all his friends were just shallow and go like ‘whee-yay-party-booze-fuck’, anyways there was this line that she said that really got to me and stuck on my mind till even this moment still, aka a week later.
Perhaps you just happened to accidentally saw that side of him that no one else got to, or at least normally.
Preeeeetty sure your life is amazing rn with VKG by your side :p Not gonna bug you about it heheh but let me know! Busy busy life right here and I don’t even realize this is the mythical mid-term until my roommate told me so lol. And there I thought oh we art school kids have no midterms -_-.
Oh. And uh. So. There was this random snapchat story he posted earlier this week. And man. Not to be cliche or schoolgirly or fancraycray or anything. But damn the only thing that came to my mind when I saw that was: /you've got a smile that could light up this whole town/
And well this is a big town with tons of lights and bulbs.
You know it. You do.
Love,
Soya
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