It's been awhile since either of us write to each other. Now that summer is here and I have a lot to rant, I guess it's time for that to happen again lol. *warning: I think this will be quite a negative blogpost*
So first. Idk. I feel played. Used? That should be the word I think, at least that's the word my friend used after I rant to him. So. Not sure if you remember but awhile ago (around March), there was this guy who lived next door to me that I became friends with after the dorm went poweroff for like an hour and we were peeking out to see what happen and ended up chatting in the hallway and sharing icecream and became friends with. We were quite close for awhile after that. We'd go for icecream after midnight and study tgt in the hallway (bcs he live in the last room down the corridor and I'm right next to him so we kind of take up the space in front of our doors, picnic style, to study and have fun and food and chat and all that). And along all these, my friend who I currently live with (you-know-who) were there too. Sooner and later, that guy fell for my friend, who has a boyfriend. My friend and her boyfriend got into numerous massive fights because the boyfriend was jealous that she spend so much time with the guy-next-to-my-door and he said he was such the gntmd likes her, and of course, my friend will deny it till the end of the Earth. Turns out, he was right and he likes her. Gntmd even tried to stop my friend from her NYC trip with the boyfriend over springbreak. It got very messy at the end and long story short, we cut off all ties with this guy at the end.
Awhile ago I found out my friend is back in contacts with the guy, more than she'd like to reveal, but it's okay, after knowing her for months I kinda figured that's her pattern with guys. It's always something more, there are always cute selfies involved and it never is just friendships. Well we all know some girls like that don't we. I chatted with him awhile later too, both of us apologized to each other. Me for shutting him out, and him for hysterically knocking on my door for 3 hours and creeping me out (nonstop knocking after he heard I'm out of shower). Anyways, all is well. I don't think me and him can ever get back to that friendly state 'cause what happened at the end of our friendship was kind of intense. But at least we were like 'back on good terms', like at least won't turn away when we bump into each other in the hallway (yes it got that bad, it went that awkward). Okay back to the story, I just went down to pick up mail and parcels, and I saw his letter to my friend from Korea. I guess.....to conclude, I just feel used. Like it costed my friendship so she could have her fun. I thought it won't bother me, really. I'm used to picking up her pieces while she have the tendency to run away from problems/ not deal with them and hoping they will just fade away itself (e.g. using a ID number generator for our lease, and not paying rent and stuffs -_-). I guess all in all, I just came to the state where I realize, while I'm always trying to help, and try my best to help, to the extend where I care so much I take her problems as my own. She's just this girl who's used to having guys like gumballs in her hands. She enjoy the mess. She enjoy the attention (which, two guy friends who personally knows her pointed this out). I just feel stupid. Like I try to help but all you want is actually the mess, and even the sos to me, is just another step of your game to achieve the mess you desire.
Okay. Rant #2. Hmm, or not really a rant. It's just that I came across my friend's tumblr today. And it's full of poems. It's quite beautiful really. And I felt like I was reading her diary, which, is very adorable. But at the same time it was so private that although I know some of her close friends read it regularly, I feel like it was kinda too private for me to know.
Mainpoint of the story lol: I found this poem that basically confirmed her feelings to Boxers. I won't show the poem here but just lemme know when you read this and I'll send it over to you lol. It was...hmmm. Hahaha.
Rant #3: I cancelled the friend request to John today. I know, I know, this all seemed a joke from the start. And I would not know otherwise how to explain or describe the non-existing connection I feel that won't make me sound like a lunatic (sigh if only I were a better writer). But oh well. I will put this to an end. But just felt like I wanna tell you (or myself, or just the notion of typing it somewhere maybe) that he will always mean something to me.
Life.
Would love to bring you some happier news or something but I'm just a broke, fat chick in Chicago living with a couple with bigger mood swings than a woman with midlife crisis as an art school graduate student with mental disorder history.
-mini pause of 3 minutes- just re-read the poem I'm gonna send you. All I can say is hat artists love deeply. As cliché as it sounds, it's true.
Blessing and curse. To feel deeply and wholeheartedly.
Miss you & talk soon,
Soya
P.S.
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