S: Lost love is sweeter when it's finally found/ Our love is deeper than the oceans of water

Dear Joshi,

I figured I rather use this blog more often than to have context "with substances" every time. And since it's summer time, and life is relatively chiller, here I go again HAHAHA.

First off, thanks for the birthday wishes :> 20 years out from the vajayjay phewwww (sounded like getting out of jailtime lol). Hhahaha I'm let that vjj ownwer know how glad you are of her effort in pushing me out of there :p Hahaha gurl you have no idea. How many people told me to get a bf along with their birthday wishes this year. It makes me wonder...am I really that dry and ennui? I should probably get a life...but I thought I had one. I thought I have one. Just didn't realize how emotionally-dry I left an impression in my fellow lovely friends minds the past year. Maybe my social network posts had been too emo? No idea.....gosh.

Just went to have dinner at this lovely restaurant with roommate Y hahaha. We were gonna go to this place called (...nvm. after 10-seconds of trying to recall the name, I give up.) But the restaurant section is closed on monday leaving only the bar side of it. So we got on über again to go to this other place we yelped. And that driver turned out to be the guy who drove us to the closed restaurant lol. Awkward, but fun hahaha. The place is super cute, has all the aesthetics my room (at least the table area) look up to, dark metal and dark woods and dim lightings and shits hahaha. They even offer event plannings and I was telling my company how this would be a cute little place to host weddings (our bill came with this postcard with an image of a peony bouquet that promotes their event plannings) parties with a small number of guests. Then I told her if I'm to do it there I will shut all the black curtains and light purple candles on the tables half-jokingly (there are black curtains and each table has a tiny white candle.) And she said she will wish me the best but ask me not to invite her lol. Anyways, nevertheless, it was a lovely dinner, with lots of talks on my non-existing love life lol.

Congrats sister ho! (Okay I now do realize it sounds like some nun thing lol). But despite their newly-got-tgt-couple-gooeiness I'm glad your sister found her happiness :) But wow boy do they move fast lol. At this rate you'll be picking your bridesmaid dress soon HAHA. So wait the guy is in HK? ...guess you will be passing your sis a tip or two on ldrs. Speaking of which, your hubby here is so kaixin (happy sounds too basic and the word glad is redundant 'cause I just used that couple lines ago.  Anyway.) (I guess I just caught a glimpse of the chaotic mind an english major will be having in cultivating their languages.) I know it must be hard :| But hey you guys are meeting again soon :D! Wished he got a job in Chicago at least till you graduate so you guys could more easily spend time together :| But at least on the bright side, he too is in the States :) Lost track of how long had you guys been together it feels like forever? I need to meet this cute hunk of yours sometime! It's only fair to have your legit hubby meet with your affair at some point~ 

Oh. And tell me the story of their gooey Marry You song sometime when you got around. Hahaha. Lol.

Woopwoop lemme know how the job goes! And is that guy from Toronto cute? Hahaha. I am now super biased to liking things from Toronto. And yeah I am a very biased person that just came to recognizing that awhile ago, who should be ashamed of her unfairness of judgements but is shamelessly not and still totally biased towards most things in life. Bleh. Oh, and I was showing this guy to my friend over dinner just now, guy that I saw on buzzfeed earlier this morn. And she took one look and said he's totally my type. I asked how so, and she said of that long hair and ragged looks. 

(so much on Westernized Asians hipsters ey lol

This is the kind of pics that got him on Buzzfeed tho *see below*)

I think people I like (crush) after getting into art school are very different and a lot more real than crushes I had before. Y said it's because I now know better about my likes and nots, but the annoying thing about that is, every time when I like someone now, I really really do like them a ton lot. (Speaking of which, this is my new fav band and here's their first song I got drawn to.)

Right after we stepped into the elevator from the apt., Y ask me if i had decided my mind of Boxers and John ('cause I was having the dilemma of not knowing if I really fell back in love with him or did I just got used to Boxer's existence after living together for 10 days and in-a-way sleeping-together for half of those days.) (sigh the good o'times when I first mention that guy to you lol I still remember it was on this blog hahaha.) Anyways, before collecting what my real thoughts are I had already decided that I will let her know I have nth towards Boxers anymore either way. Guess her shits did afterall got to me a bit ey? Anyways, on Boxers, to be very honest with you I still have these complicated feelings. On one side, I care a lot about him, more than I usually care about any of my ex-crushes and male friends or friends in general. And I care about him not less than how much I care about you and my other bestie in HK, and in a way I'd guiltily admit I care about him more, maybe because of his medical history and such, idk, but yah. Anyway. On the other hand, when I'm with him the tension is more than just family-like, like we claim. And all in all, I will honestly admit that the possibly-faluse-but-real feeling of emptiness and romantically longingness that he left me with and the slight sadness of his nonexistence in the first two weeks after he's gone back to his home country is finally starting to wear off. Not sure if this is really going into the way it actually is though, or if it's just because we are both lazy texters and knowing that I made zero to negative attempts in engaging online conversations with him esp. after he's gone. Since we are already onto this topic though, I was quite happy at the first few days when he was back there and he saw this thing and sent to me and said it's so me in the groupchat, and sent me this other collection of images he took and saw in an art exhibit that reminded him of me. That was quite dearing and sweet you gotta admit, and considering he was my (ex?) crush, well duh. lol.

John.

How do I even begin with him. 

I know we aren't talking about him but I might as well tell you what I told my dinner company couple hours ago. Sigh. Okay. Here we go. 

Okay. Yes. I don't think about him as much anymore. But oddly he will still hold the same place as he had occupied before. Tbh idk if you know but I'm really not the kind that fantasize about my future loverboi much. Yes I ask around my closest friends of their thoughts on that quite a lot but other than that I really don't think about it much. I don't even think about those after the conversation ends. To your surprise those thoughts only exist during the time of the convos. Anyways. As what I told her and what she told me back and in conclusion, he's just exactly what I like and more than I could imagine. More than I could ever imagine. She used the word "perfect". I prefer to stay neutral on this term not that I'm not biased here. Anyway my lingual is a mess and bleh. He's just, what I'll dream off but way beyond my imagination and need I remind you *shamelessly* my imagination is known to be pretty wild and broad. 

She said over dinner if John has long hair I will be gone. As in heart attack kind of gone and as in the mama-can't-take-it-no-more kind of gone. Wish you could have seen him in person. He's truly one of a kind. Up till this day I still don't know what is it about him and what is it in him. It's just like I've been casted a spell, a curse, to fall in him like this. Like that.

Anyway, enough about magical connections and unicorn farts.

Ethan wished me happy birthday. I will say thanks later when I reply to the Facebook posts of course.  I feel like I should feel more bad than what I currently feel. But because he's American? Aren't the culture here pretty casual about these. I don't feel much. Scratch that, I just don't feel anything, basically, to him. Yah right. Could have turned that into at least a Summer fling of some sort, and he's not a bad kisser yeah. But this would just turn into something like my past relationship if I keep it going, and I'm very sure about this. Where I will be with him, but thinking about another guy all the time. Maybe because he's American (sorry for being so racist), I feel like he won't care as much and tbt I don't think he will notice if I really intend to hide those feelings. It's just, what's the point. Okay. Idk. It's not like he will make me sad but it's not like he will make me any happier than I can make myself you know what I mean? Y said I'm afraid of trying out new stuffs (and in a way she just didn't say, a coward.) But really, from my point of view I just don't see the point. And you know I either feel all or nothing, an in this, I'm just sorry to inform any of my friend who cares, that I unfortunately don't. feel. anything. to him.

1. More on that, hopefully you're not bored by now, or if you are, just tank with me for a moment longer. I am attracted to dark matters. (LOL) Dark souls. EMOs. But what I manage to attracts are often the sun-shiny grins-wearing kind of guys. Uh. Was just asking my friend from HK with big boobs (R) what should I do if guys I'm attracted to are way too smart for me but guys who aren't that smart just don't attract me at all. I know I've got my high standards (as you guys call it) to blame, but idk. It's not like I'm constantly looking for those (am I?), I am just attracted to that kind of wittiness and such. Ugh. But I don't feel like I'm up to their standards myself yet. Which is sad news and I should work on that but this is like what? 70% natural born and 30% you-gta-work-on-it-babe? Idk.

Anyways. 00:27 am now I should probably at least catch a shower. Hopefully your first day of work went (or goes) well. You can always text me when you're bored or gotta rant about it, I promise I will reply as soon as I see it. 

Ciaos & 143,
Soya 
x

PS. Jerk wished me hbd. Did not expect that. Rly looking forward to squish your boobies with sweaty hugs btw. Ew. Ly.

J: Ain't no birthday blues for you *wink*

Dear Soya,

First things first, happy vagina-departure-memorial day! You have been breathing and battling life for 20 years and are still going strong...so props to you, bae! I'm so glad you're born because if you weren't born, then I wouldn't have my hubby dearest to pick up my shits and to love me like I am. And guess I gotta thank Mama Soya for raising such a rare breed lol. Wishing you a wonderful, magnificent, and artsy-fartsy year full of love and joy and all that sparkles. Hope cupid will shoot you straight in the heart this year and hook you up with a hottie mc-naughty!

Okay, back to the main things.

The friend you were talking about has a name that begins with a "Y", right? Heehee I totally had this feeling before with XX and my ex-rmm. Both of them are drama queens and like I did care about their shit before, but afterwards, after all the mess they've created and dragged me into, I have gotten so tired of their shit that I don't bother and don't give a single fuck anymore. And let me give you a little tip, or well I'm pretty sure you got it covered, but after I got tired of my ex-rmm's shits, I just sort of lived with her but detached emotionally, and I just nodded and say "yea, yea" when she poured her shit-soul to me while watching netflix. So yea, you can still live with her and things will be fine as long as you stay detached. And seriously, don't let your mess-embracing friend stop you from being friends with that guy who lived next door. Fuck that, if she is still in contact with him, why couldn't you? You should not have to give up your friendship for her guy-tactics.

Wow, your friend writes good poems! I agree that artists love deeply and feel deeply, and in a way it sucks. It fucking sucks, but that's for later. Boxers have quite some fandom, eh? Do you think upon your rebound from John you will rebound back to him? And do not feel bad for reading your friend's deepest thoughts and emotions, I mean writers gotta show their work to someone, right? If your friend 100% do not wish for anyone to see the posts, then she wouldn't have posted it on the internet.

And you go, girl! Ridding of the friend request is a great step to moving on and finding your Mr. Right and trust me you will find another crush and another boyfriend next year! It's about time:D And I will be right here watching you and your budding romance coming with my garlic popcorn and my massive glass of margarita.

Phew okay, now it's my turn to rant.

So after a week in Hong Kong, my sister has gotten herself a boyfriend (they met through mutual friend during winter break when the mutual friend brought the beau to visit New York and they've been texting and skyping ever since). I am super happy for her that she is finally out of the single pool and can kiss single life goodbye. But gosh do they move fast. In a week of them being a thing, they've gone out every day (which I understand because soon they will be in the longd-club in a month's time) and she has already met his mom. She also already has a card made at his clubhouse. He told all his friends and family about her, and as I am typing, he is in my apartment and they are planning to go see the sun rise tonight. I told my sister that with this pace they are going, I will hear wedding bells in a month, and see babies poppin' in a year. (Even their song is "Marry You" by Bruno Mars...but that's another story)

But these are not the point, or not the entire point. It's just that seeing them so happy and always together makes me miss vkg so much more. My sister always leaves me to hang out with him while me and her were together, or she comes late to meet up with me after hanging with him, which i guess it's alright. But it's just that it means she is so happy with the guy that she has forgotten about time and I wished vkg were here to make me that happy so that I forget about time and everything else. Ugh, I miss that Indian-dude and I listened to my trigger-song last night during shower because I was really upset and I decided to drown in my grief (which was a bad idea) and then I kept holding back tears all night until I called him and woke him from his sleep and he freaked because I was crying right when he said 'hello'. I hate the distance and I miss him so much more now that I see my sister so happy. I am happy now too with vkg, don't be mistaken. It's just that the happier he makes me feel when we skype, the emptier I feel because the distance fucking sucks.

(me giving millions of fucks as I drown myself in grief and tears lol)

((me being dramatic just ignore me))

And also, my job starts tomorrow, which also fucking sucks. I have already met the crew yesterday at an event and they are not as fun as the ones from last year. They are kinda old, well not old old but late twenties-late thirties-old. And there's another intern, a dude same age as me who studies in Toronto, which makes things better, and we had to wait for the event to begin after setting up for like an hour so me and him sat in a starbucks and had awkward conversations until we talked about smoking weed and trying shrooms lol and things lightened a bit. Anyway, real work begins tomorrow and I will be sure to update you about it.

Sorry there aren't much good news here on my end either. (Well, good news for my sister, I guess?) Come back sooner please! Come claim your birthday dinner and present in hot'n sweaty town. Ugh I have no friends here to hang out with...people are either working or traveling or busy as fuck. The wifey needs some girl time with her broke artsy hubby in Chicago because wifey is lonely and no hubby would want to leave a lonely wifey alone because who know what would happen then? Jks.

Alrighty, tata lovely! Have an awesome awesome birthday!

Love,
Joshi

S: I never ran fast enough for my mistakes

Dear Joshi,

It's been awhile since either of us write to each other. Now that summer is here and I have a lot to rant, I guess it's time for that to happen again lol. *warning: I think this will be quite a negative blogpost*

So first. Idk. I feel played. Used? That should be the word I think, at least that's the word my friend used after I rant to him. So. Not sure if you remember but awhile ago (around March), there was this guy who lived next door to me that I became friends with after the dorm went poweroff for like an hour and we were peeking out to see what happen and ended up chatting in the hallway and sharing icecream and became friends with. We were quite close for awhile after that. We'd go for icecream after midnight and study tgt in the hallway (bcs he live in the last room down the corridor and I'm right next to him so we kind of take up the space in front of our doors, picnic style, to study and have fun and food and chat and all that). And along all these, my friend who I currently live with (you-know-who) were there too. Sooner and later, that guy fell for my friend, who has a boyfriend. My friend and her boyfriend got into numerous massive fights because the boyfriend was jealous that she spend so much time with the guy-next-to-my-door and he said he was such the gntmd likes her, and of course, my friend will deny it till the end of the Earth. Turns out, he was right and he likes her. Gntmd even tried to stop my friend from her NYC trip with the boyfriend over springbreak. It got very messy at the end and long story short, we cut off all ties with this guy at the end. 

Awhile ago I found out my friend is back in contacts with the guy, more than she'd like to reveal, but it's okay, after knowing her for months I kinda figured that's her pattern with guys. It's always something more, there are always cute selfies involved and it never is just friendships. Well we all know some girls like that don't we. I chatted with him awhile later too, both of us apologized to each other. Me for shutting him out, and him for hysterically knocking on my door for 3 hours and creeping me out (nonstop knocking after he heard I'm out of shower). Anyways, all is well. I don't think me and him can ever get back to that friendly state 'cause what happened at the end of our friendship was kind of intense. But at least we were like 'back on good terms', like at least won't turn away when we bump into each other in the hallway (yes it got that bad, it went that awkward). Okay back to the story, I just went down to pick up mail and parcels, and I saw his letter to my friend from Korea. I guess.....to conclude, I just feel used. Like it costed my friendship so she could have her fun. I thought it won't bother me, really. I'm used to picking up her pieces while she have the tendency to run away from problems/ not deal with them and hoping they will just fade away itself (e.g. using a ID number generator for our lease, and not paying rent and stuffs -_-). I guess all in all, I just came to the state where I realize, while I'm always trying to help, and try my best to help, to the extend where I care so much I take her problems as my own. She's just this girl who's used to having guys like gumballs in her hands. She enjoy the mess. She enjoy the attention (which, two guy friends who personally knows her pointed this out). I just feel stupid. Like I try to help but all you want is actually the mess, and even the sos to me, is just another step of your game to achieve the mess you desire.

Okay. Rant #2. Hmm, or not really a rant. It's just that I came across my friend's tumblr today. And it's full of poems. It's quite beautiful really. And I felt like I was reading her diary, which, is very adorable. But at the same time it was so private that although I know some of her close friends read it regularly, I feel like it was kinda too private for me to know.

Mainpoint of the story lol: I found this poem that basically confirmed her feelings to Boxers. I won't show the poem here but just lemme know when you read this and I'll send it over to you lol. It was...hmmm. Hahaha.

Rant #3: I cancelled the friend request to John today. I know, I know, this all seemed a joke from the start. And I would not know otherwise how to explain or describe the non-existing connection I feel that won't make me sound like a lunatic (sigh if only I were a better writer). But oh well. I will put this to an end. But just felt like I wanna tell you (or myself, or just the notion of typing it somewhere maybe) that he will always mean something to me.

Life.
Would love to bring you some happier news or something but I'm just a broke, fat chick in Chicago living with a couple with bigger mood swings than a woman with midlife crisis as an art school graduate student with mental disorder history.

-mini pause of 3 minutes- just re-read the poem I'm gonna send you. All I can say is hat artists love deeply. As cliché as it sounds, it's true.

Blessing and curse. To feel deeply and wholeheartedly.

Miss you & talk soon,
Soya

P.S. 

S: But I want you to know I've been thinking about you lately/

First thing first, HAPPY NEW YEAR BABE :) Another years gone. I still rmb getting my ass over to TSW and kinda count down with you and the other ass. First half of 2014 was long and slow to me as oppose to the second half of it. I wonder when can we count down tgt again, like in person haha. But anyways this should prolly be my last winter in HK for awhile so we might get a chance to actually act that out real soon :P Talk about being there and existence, the pleasure is all mine ♥

Phew. Don't remember where I read this perhaps from a TV drama or sth lol. But I remember seeing a quote somewhere along the lines of how we human never notice how small we are until the time when we face life and death. Truth be told in realest way possible money can solve most of the problems. And by that I'm including time and distance and all that shit cus if you have money then you can fly over to one's place all the time and if you have money you can get a house/apartment there and be close with one another. Okay, back to Ms Grandma. Don't feel guilty of thinking what you told me this morning. And besides it's not like you're wishing she'll die. It's no one's fault and certainly not yours to do anything about. It's only normal for VKG to worry about her cus honestly, he'd be kind of a heartless jerk not to (unless that's like my boy-biased grandma that I give no shit about..okay maybe I'm heartless bleh whatevs let's skip that here), and I'll ask you to reconsider if you want to be with a guy who don't even care about his grandma. Well, for distracting purposes I'll ask you to keep planning the trip. I understand it would be a totally different mood setting for him but if you guys are gonna go through it there's no reason to drag through it cus that ain't gonna solve anything but wasting the money you guys pour into the trip. I know it's not the time to bring anything much about NYC to him either, but (thank god) if she's not dying then the trip will go on :). Or oh well, you can even come up with a list of places you really wanna go in case he's not free in the middle of the trip or touchwood he has to be somewhere else at the time when your trip should be taking place, then you'll at least get to visit the places you haul a list from whatever hipster youtuber or blogs hahaha :D

It's not fine but it will be fine. So babe don't worry so much about it:) The doc said fifty fifty didn't they? I'll say the odds are high that she'll be fine :) Come on, she lived through almost a century, she knows whats up. ;)

...So I just read the last letter I wrote you. Hmm.. there are like wheees behind two paragraphs and a lot more details than I remember clearly. Whoa time really does flies. Which city are you in rn again?:) And WHY did I put a picture of noodles frying there?! Symbol for chaos? lol Okay my jumping around thoughts are kicing in again (or maybe it never left lol) Sorry in advance the letter might get harder to read in the following paragraphs although I have no idea what to type yet.

If "I haven't loved until I loved him" was the punchline for the whole thing with WI, then it might be 'I didn't know what it feels like to miss people until him'.

Okay I know I should keep typing on that and boxers. But let's talk about something lighter and happier first (not that boxers makes me sad). NYE. I don't know what you did on your NYE so I'll just have to wait for you to tell me:) Meanwhile, I'll tell you about my nothing special NYE. SO. 

With nothing too specially planned, I was gonna maybe go to clubs. But I pissed my friend off by ditching him for dinner the other night where the girl I hanged out with that day decided to have dinner with her ex who doesn't like this friend, and I told her she's have my whole day to do whatever and I'm gonna give her that and go along. Okay to be frank I kind of helped in leading her to dine with her ex rather than our old friend. Cus I know she would totally regret not having dinner with her ex after going back to Australia, way more than ditching our friend who already had dinner at 6ish with some girls in Kowloon Tong and was planning to go home instead of meeting us originally. Anyways, so I pissed that guy off. So I was really hesitant on calling him on NYE where we were suppose to go to the club tgt (along with a bunch of whoevers). Blablablah and fastforward to how things ended, so I spent NYE with MK and the friend with big boobs (you know who *smirk*). With no idea where to go we went to IFC rooftop and shared the bottle of white wine I brought from my home's fridge. BB is way lighter weight than I expected. Anyways for future reference, she's the most horrible drunk person I've met. For the fact that she was singing gospels and political songs REAL LOUD around IFC and a semi-silent Hong Kong/Central MTR Station. Yep, first time using this word but it was pretty embarrassing. Oh and btw, ate my last 2014 meal at Mcdonalds with the last bite finished at 23:57, and we did (me and BB) (BB LOL) cus MK's boyfriend came over and ofc we leave them alone hehee, and she didn't call back like she promised she would at 23:30 so yeahhhh. Anyways so after the no-countdown happy new year, I dragged the drunk gospel singing BB to LKF where MK and her bf's friends are. Short story shorter, MK try to hook me up with one of her boyfriend's single friends. Whom I gotta admit was pretty cute. Okay for your curiosity, we might actually had did it if there wasn't this super slutty looking girl hauling around (black pleather bracelet and pleather skirts) (and heavy makeup! Although mine was pretty heavy that night too....*fingers pointing*). Anyways so that didn't happen. And one of the girls from that big crowd of mkbf's friends got real drunk so people are leaving so we decide to go too. Tried calling my club-host friends and they didn't pick up so it's cool cus 1-MK's feet was hurting cus she wore her sister's heels 2-BB...just.don't.even.start. So yea. We started moving and leaving LKF (met the Aus friend's ex too outside the steps of a club, where he was holding and dragging this girl and swinging around with her friends following the two. Obviously looking like a thing. Still not sure if I should tell that friend.)

Bleh okay highlight of the night (cus the night is pretty plain), met these two strangers on our way to MTR station and ended up chatting for like an hour? One was drunk one was sober. I don't care about the sober fatty (not that I care about the other one) who chatted with MK for the whole hour trying to hit on her while they looked like they were discussing business plans the whole time to me lol. Me and BB hanged out with the other dude in and our of those passport photos photobooth (hence the snapchat video featuring him not sure if you've seen it). Erm yea. We took like selfies and shits and at the end somehow I got his business card cus 1- I was curious 2- MK got fatty's business card 3-I was drunk enough to know how to flirtily ask for it which I never do when I'm sober (7 shots in a row like actually drink-throw cup-drink and it got me there when it all kick in at once). Nothing special, I guess I could call him or send the pics back to him if I want to LOL. Was bored this morning so I Facebook searched him, turns out his company is one of the biggest creative company in the world (as it claims on the bio). No wonder MK was asking for his business card cus the sober dude said she should contact him for whatever internship opportunity or something. lol. I was drunk enough (OKAY TIPSY. Nowhere close to drunk.) to be selfish and not give it to her bleh. 

Okay so that was my NYE. We ended up leaving when he invite us to drink Japanese whisky which doesn't interest me and after not being able to be hooked up with that cutie (bleh truth be told I don't really care that much- not sure if that's bcs boxers was on my mind or wut. Not sure if I'll regret it if we ended up hooking up. I guess I won't know.) and I was like we'll call you another night and walked away. Send BB to her minibus station after getting off in MK and walked home from there cus I can't find a cab. First thing my mom said to me this year was: Everything on you rn looks kind of horrible. And nope she didn't stop there, the next morning when I was making myself breakfast she said it again not so causally: "I really think what you wore last night was *horrible winkle all over face* *jip*, was that the trend over that side (indicating America). You looked like you were wearing lingeries inside-out, like you were going to a PJ party." Mom, see what you did. I was just about to unblock you from Facebook. Uh-uh. 

Phewwwwwww. Okay. Back to Boxers. It's funny how I wasn't even close with him in the last letter. (Not saying I am now..cus idk). It's funny how he was still one of the 'other people', 'other dude', 'couple people' in the last letter. And now suddenly he's getting all these paragraphs entitled him. lol. Okay he actually owned a couple paragraphs there. Guy who wore my XXL pj pants and guy who saw through me even though we just started to be 'friends' back then. Like he had always been this guy who's kind of in our group and sometimes we sit together for lunch if we had class in the same building that day, but he was always the kind of people who just hangs out with you during lunch cus you guys are friends with the same people (roommate with the dude I almost had lunch every day with in the past semester cus our schedule fits) so yeaaa. Ugh idk. Okay back to the missing and long distance bit. It's ...(okay gonna use the word funny again cus I cbf to think of another word that expresses a similar meaning) FUNNY. and WEIRD. How this missing feels. Guess it's my own fault to blame, for spending every last day there in their room (okay to be honest one small tiny mini eenie mo part of me thought if he got used to my existence he might miss it when it's gone). So now I'm stuck with this feeling of missing him so much. The 'so much' part of 'missing him so much' started kicking in the day I ask you about "idk how you did it". This is weird. Now I know. Long-distances are difficult, but I'm one step closer to knowing what my friends (aka you for instance:) must have felt.

Idk how to describe this. It's just weird, I guess you understand. Idk, it's just weird. And looking back to the whole timeline thing it wasn't even long. Like it only started after I came back from Atlanta aka NOV29. See! That's not even long ago! Just barely a bit over a month! And yet I've never worried that much in my entire life about something, someone. No time for the crush-or-not-doubt right away I was just worried, and concerned. Was in the I'm-scared-that-this-is... phrase until DEC2, and here I am. Missing him. Having this tacit with him (which my friend suggest wheee I WASN'T THE ONE WHO POINT IT OUT! But then again maybe she was just trying to make me happy.....). Smiling to myself like a flower when I think about him. This is a happy crush eh. Like shitty things happen like his suicide attempt and the fact that he has a girlfriend and stuff, like all these dark stuffs are involved yet this time (at least for now) I still seem happy and light about it. I don't know what's real and what's not in love as in the argument about 'true love' :S:S:S, but this is comfortable. I still remember reading this thing on COSMO where this woman who's married to her husband for 3 years said: "We've been together for 8 years- but we rarely, if ever, pee or fart right in front of each other. It's just not sexy!". WELL. We aren't couples. And I guess people have different norms.  I'm pretty sure I can't be CLASSY shit and not fart or pee in front of my future VIP, imma just urge him to walk away while leaving the WC door wide open and fart outside the blanket cocoon only. HAHAHA okay why am I even talking about this bleh. I guess it's so different cus this time, for once, I'm finally crushing on someone real close, within touching distance (okay maybe not right now). I wonder if we will still be close and still have that tacit when we go back. (Btw google said camaraderie gives that meaning as well and this word sounds so pretty like a flower :3) (OKAY WHATS UP WITH ME TYPING ALL THESE CLICHE FLOWER THINGYS HERE TODAY). (Sorry for shouting).

Hmm. Making moves..

Ah. Btw. First of all. Whatever it is and however things will turn out in the future (excuse me for whatever tense problem I refuse to read the last line to find out cus it might be major), thanks for saying what you said in the last letter cus that totally beamed my morning (okay it was a bit after noon) up :)

This guy. Oh well. He makes me happy. Idk. And you're right he's very much crazy hahaha. Not sure if I told you this already I think I might had. But he literally started appearing on my mind after one of those late night chats with my closest friend I have there, who said the guy she thinks would suit me will be someone very much crazy. Hm yea, he's defo that. 

Everytime I say it feels different with the new crush (or did I?). But this one definitely is different from the past ones. Maybe everyone of the crushes are different. (Speaking of which, this album from Karen O called Crush Songs is pretty cute, and it's just on Spotify so help yourself! Hehee). Maybe I'm starting to think too much again, maybe I'm just over reading into things I don't even plan to read into maybe I just have too much time on hands right now to think about him. I dunno.

But oh well, the latest thing from him that made me happy was a picture he post that he took while we were at the bubble tea place, and he captioned missing the bubble tea gang. AND BOOYA! Sucker said he don't miss people! BOOYAAAAWWOOOHOOOOOOO. Uh-hem. And, erm, I was the first name he tagged in that post, WHEHEEE. Okay allow me to be a little too excited too happy here cus I think this is something worth happy-ing for, even as friends (bleh) :D

Barely 18 days and it feels like a month and a couple and maybe more and definitely more. This is merely half way in through the break and I still gotta wait for more than 2 other weeks until I can see him again, and looking back I only got close with him for like how long? 19? 19 days. Then we were off back to home. Isn't this weird. Like 17 more days. Shit ton can change. The friendship and all that camaraderie (don't even know if this is the right way to use the word lol) didn't even exist before those 19 days. Pretty sure I know it will be a false assumption when I said maybe this all will go away after the break, maybe I'll hit the clubs and meet some random hookups thats distracting/cute/whatever enough and I won't care about Boxers anymore but that's all fake. Babe I hope you can meet VKG on 5th cus I know you've been waiting for this for a very long time :) And you deserve that jennim kinda NYC trip with your beau *smooch* 

Boxers's gf..sigh idk. Instinct tells me there will be problems coming up between them and idk if I'd wish that's a fixable dilemma or the other way. I really don't know. 

Talk soon and lol as in lots of love xxxo

random playlist (with no order) with an attempt of making it look more artsy than just typing it out annd bleh but whatevs

This is how I started hanging out there every night. Exactly how. Except the title of the article was 

Adorable Comics Of A QUIRKY COUPLE Spending Time Together

This is only one semester and yet I'm already so attached. What happens after a year. What if we break up (as friends. Like stop hanging out and stop liking each other anymore [AS FRIENDS]). And what happens after 4 years. I'm definitely over thinking right here but I'm never the attaching kind you know. And this attachment feeling scares me. Scares the crap out of me. I've never missed people. Like I talk about missing them in the 'aww I miss you so much' girls way (I miss you too don't worry. but it's just not the same :/ It doesn't feel the same. No where the same). Like it actually aches with the urge of I WANT TO SEE YOU SO MUCH I MISS YOU SO MUCH AND I KNOW YOU'RE UPDATING YOUR FACEBOOK AND I CAN READ THE UPDATES BUT CALL ME GREEDY OR WHATEVER THAT'S JUST NOT ENOUGH I WANT YOU I WANT TO SEE YOU I WANT TO HEAR YOU I WANT TO SEE YOU SMILE I WANT TO SEE YOUR NOSE SHIT HIDING IN YOUR NOSE I WANT TO HEAR YOUR UGLY VOICE YES IM GONNA CALL IT UGLY ALTHOUGH YOU WERE IN CHOIR BEFORE AND DO YOU KNOW YOU NOSTRILS GOES BIGGER WHENEVER YOU SINGS AND I WANT YOU TO TAKE MY FOOD WITHOUT ASKING AND WALK AROUND FLIPPING YOUR HAIR AND FART FOR NO REASON AND ID LAUGH AND FART NEEDS NO REASON okay guess this is the real last sentence of this letter instead of the xxxo upstairs lol okaybye.

J: We had a taste of sweetness and bitterness, and we can't go back no more.

So first of all, HAPPY NEW YEAR LOVELY! 2014 is bygone and 2015 is the here and the now. Gosh time flies indeed. Do you remember last year this time, we were counting down together on skype? That felt like yesterday. 2014 is a hell of a crazy year for the both of us, right? A crazy year full of experiences, good ones and not so good ones. A crazy year of growth. I’m so glad that you are in with me through the past year because, honestly, I wouldn’t have made it through like this if you weren’t there for me.

Sorry I haven’t been writing you much lately. Now that I have plenty of time during winter break I thought I should sit down and reply to your letters. Anyway, lets get into the real issue you were talking about in your previous letters and our texts these days. Boxers.

First off, I have to say you are sooooo cute this time when you’re crushing on this boxers guy. Unlike the past with PA or with WI (I had to think what his short-form was, we haven’t talked about WI for so long lol) where you seemed desperately sad and heavy, this time with Boxers, you seem more light hearted and erm…cute. Really. Maybe because you have opened up and changed after art school. Maybe because you’ve gained more confidence and have found yourself after going to art school. You are just so cute. And from what I’ve stalked about Boxers and from how I know you, you guys seem a good match. Like you guys seem both a little crazy and a little spontaneous and very much artsy.

I know, I know he has a girlfriend and you can’t tell if you are in the friend zone or if you’re getting close. But as time goes, things will unfold the way it should be. So don’t fret and don’t worry! If it’s boxers in the end, it’ll be boxers. If it’s not, then you’ll find another guy just as cool and artsy and right for you. I mean you should totally try to get him because, why not? Girls can make moves too. What I am saying is don’t let it bother you. (Lol I say don’t let it bother you, but I am totally letting my ldr bother me. But that’s another story.)

So much can happen in one semester. Remember the last spring semester? I felt like my life was a mess with HHG and VKG, but now I feel like my life is all in place (at least most of it).  I cried, I was lost and I felt guilty and hurt and confused. But now, I feel like I know what I’m doing and all those have been lessons I’ve learnt and I don’t regret a thing. . I didn’t even say an official goodbye to HHG, lol. Like the ‘first’ guy in my life is just gone, flown back to South America and I don’t even care anymore. Things that we thought, I thought were big deals and big pains are simply experiences. It has been a good year.

Plus, girl you’re a gem. Any guy will be lucky to have you in their lives and I’m not just saying it. If I am a dude, I will totally date you hehee because I need some crazy in my life. If Boxers is smart enough, he should’ve dumped his gf and gone with you! But yea, what I’m trying to say is, girl, you’ll be fine! Just wait and your future will unfold itself in front of you.

You texted me yesterday saying that you admire me for going long distance with vkg. Honestly, I just don’t know any other way so long distance it is. It is really hard though. Ugh. Both of us have our moments when we are tired and frustrated of the distance, but we just somehow pick each other up and carry on. It’s tough. Especially at night when the darkness comes and I curl up in bed holding my knees against my chest and wish he was here. Especially when his poor communicating skills get to me. Especially when I need him and he’s not here. But I am still happy. Well, happy and sad sometimes, but it’s worth it. I feel loved and cared for. And I hate how I can’t stay mad at him. And I hate how we can only meet up for a few days 

Funny though. Come to think of it, we are all born alone. Not alone alone, I mean we all have families and stuff. But romance-wise, we are all born single and alone. We are all perfectly fine being single until we found someone and we felt like we couldn’t live without them. We grew to need them and they invade our lives with love and tears, and we began to believe that we need those love and tears to get by. It’s quite silly really. How someone has become the center of our lives and losing them doesn't seem like an option at all. We fell in love and we can't go back anymore. After tasting the sweetness and the bitterness, we can't go back anymore. We were all perfectly fine before ; we were all perfectly fine being single. But we weren’t fine with being alone after. We should be though, we should be.  I don’t really know where I’m getting at here. It’s just a random thought lol.

More like we can live alone, we can die alone.

Sorry for going all deep and philosophical in this post. Guess I’m just kinda reflective since it’s the end of the year and everything is drawing to a conclusion and I’m kinda evaluating my year and sorting out my life with all this free time. Anyway, 2014 has been a good year for me. It has been a year of learning, and I have grown and changed a lot. And you too, have changed and grown so much, grown comfortable in your skin and who you are. Proud of you girl! We’ll stick together for the coming year and years to come and I don’t even know what to say anymore but I love you!

just been looping this heehee pumped up pumped up

P.S. Gahhh I'm so excited for nyc with vkg this coming monday!

S: And I needed a way to climb and grab a hold of the edge/ You were sitting there holding a rope

 *click in and see it*

I should be working right now but I'm not, obviously, duh. How are you my dear. Calling you dear reminded me of how so creepy dudes love greeting girls like this. But I'm not creepy old dude. I might be creepy, but not an old dude, so I assume I'm excused. Anyways, your Dubai pics looks super nice! Wish we can go travel tgt. How are you enjoying the exotic Middle Eastern countries so far? It looks beautiful, and today just so happens is my Dubai/Iran friend's birthday hahaha.

Less than 48 hours till my CUTE getaway trip. Which means I need to pack. Which means I need to wrap up my (work) shit and pack. And preferably tidy my side of the room prior leaving. And in additionally hide whatever I don't want my roommate's hands on. So far it's been rantings and rantings in this entry isn't it haha. Okay let me update you my life a lil, not quite as interesting but sounds better than rants.

It's been one hella crazy weekend. As you know it's super strict here about drinking and shit and since I have great friends that I don't even need alcohol to have fun with (personally I think these are the [real] and best type of friends), seeing 3 of us puke over the same weekend and going through extreme dramas was pretty, wow.

Idk where to begin with so let's just rewind to friday morning when I crawl out of bed to register classes for nx semester, and the only class I really extremely definitely desperately want to enroll in was gone. Even the waitlist was closed. Everyone kept telling me no one will want that class, apparently it's more popular than the market predicted lol. Anyways, so I carried on to look through everything and anything I'm remotely interested in. And ended up enrolling on a class I intend to take in sophomore year. It's alright. My interest towards that class is nowhere to be seen as of taking it in the first year, but whatever, but, BUT. But it's on saturdays. Fricken saturdays. 9-4 on Saturdays. It's still alright. I get fridays off since I don't get the class I want, but the problem is. This kid that I know, is also in the same class with me. Idk how to describe him. They said he's like the fat kid that got bullied in high school (o maybe even his whole life) and trying to stat new here and since everyone here is weird he's doing okay. But his socially awkwardness is still here. Aka for example, he bakes really well. He gave me one of the best flavored (note: not texture-wise-speaking lol but then again I've ate a ton of cookies in my life, I shouldn't be too harsh on a cookie), but seriously tho, it was good. It has chocolate covered coffee beans in it I think. Anyways, it was cool, we were all chilling in our friends' room and he (kinda self-invite) himself and offered us cookies, which is nice of him. But he's the kind of person who forcefully offers you stuffs. Anyway, that cookie was good so nvm. (Speaking of that he just walked past lol didn't see me tho lol) So there's this other time, me and my friend went to get tuesday night students $1 pizza at like 10pm, and after that we go back to my room and chill. My roommate was working and she need printer A4 papers but our computer lab printer paper slot is locked, so my friend offered her papers from his room, so me and him went to his room on another floor to get it. On our way to his room, we bumped into cookie guy. While we were already full from that $1 deep dish pizza (and I had two dinners prior that cus 1-I was hungry, 2-my friend got off class at 9pm so we ate again, I didn't intend to join the discounted pizza at first.), we bumped into this cookie guy in the elevator, and he's like whatsup and such, then we told him we're grabbing paper for my rm. Then he was like do you guys want a cookie (he actually asked it once and twice before and after pizza meal already, and no, we didn't go together tho he went with some other people too). And while my friend was like, nah we're alright and I told him I'm good cus I've had three dinners in a row so maybe next time, he insisted and go like "who can resist the cookies!" "full? then this is the best time to have a cookie!" -_-. Seriously dude. Anyways so he pressed the elevator button to his floor with me and my friend staring at each other with telegraphy eye-message. ...Long story short, we ended up staying there unwillingly with his cookies and he made us smell his candle waxes. By smelling the candle maxes, I mean he made us smell every single one of it. By every single one of it, I meant he went like "oh you haven't smelled this one". Help. Anyway, so he's a nice guy and all that but ..... I think you get the idea. As if saturday class on a class I don't want to take is not bad enough, he-is-going-to-be-in-the-same-class-with-me. And no. NO. I'm far from excited about it. (Update, checked the system on saturday night and enrolled myself in a class I'm bit more interested in, and dropped the hell away from that class)

So, back to friday. I love birthdays, I don't care if it's mine or others' I just do. So okay we had an amazing party with the birthday girl kept alternating between "you guys don't have to do this" "I've had the best fun ever" "I love you so much thank you" before she's lost on my rug. I think I did a good job, at least kinda......yeaaaaa. So back to dramas, two of our friends who apparently used to date, had always been avoiding each other's existence although we're all in the same tiny group of friends. Before knowing their dating history, it didn't even ring up our mind that they intentionally skip out on gatherings since they are both really busy people in general. But after knowing that, everything makes sense. Anyways, so knowing that the girl is going the show up on the birthday party, the guy wasn't gonna show up although he's better friends with birthday girl than the girl does. Somehow though, he decided to pregame and join in after he's drunk, and this guy, yea this guy, is a super light-weight. Fastforward. After the dinner part of the party (we had it in the dorm, and for dinner we occupied the common kitchen for it), we moved to my friends' room and chill with drinks and cake and shit. By now, dude is super drunk. Somehow, he and the girl had an intense stare of one whole minute without breaking without anyone but one guy next to the girl noticing. It was the first time they ever made eye contacts since after the broke up almost 5 months ago. No one knew that until the witness told us later that night, but after that one minute, what the rest of us noticed was his hysteric devastating sobs. No joke, it was the kind of sobs that ....imagine your love one was gone and shit, and you were like going after to look for/catch him or her to reunite/protect them, but by the time you got there, he or she is dead, and you watch them turn into dust and glide along the wind to the sky. Yep, that was the sob. And while he's doing that, the girl chugged the whole bottle of white wine and ran out of the door. Fastforward. Party abruptly ends here. We basically divided into 3 teams, me sending the birthday girl to my room cus she's staying over, 2 friends chasing after the girl after she ran out of the door, and like 3 others stay in the room trying to comfort and calm the boy down.

This is the first drama our group ever experienced. The girl (who now has a new boyfriend that she loves dearly and she's gonna fly herself to spend two whole weeks with him in UK and quote: I don't care what we do or where we go there, I just wanna spend time with him) puked multiple times (over one of my friends hands and her side, and all over one of our other friend's pants), later repeatedly bang herself towards a wall claiming she wanna kill herself (with an actual tempted intention), and foaming in her mouth later that night while we can't call an ambulance cus 1-she's technically under 21, 2-she's on a government scholarship. Not quite sure how the guy ended up. But the aftermath in the survivors' discussion (me+one dude+the 2 that got puked on), combining background stories and shits, we knew that the guy had never been happy even for a day in here, cus he's broken (6 years together with the girl, 3 being best friends and 2 dating, broke up 2 months prior coming to Chicago, with the girl immediately dating another guy afterwards). He's broken up.

Anywayyyyyy, so we were all dead. Got back to my room at 5ish that day, first time now showering and shit before bed, got woken up at 11ish by my friend on rug. Went to movies with a couple people on saturday pm for Hunger Games and The Theory of Everything. Later went for Chinatown dinner (found this place called Mong Kok Café or sth, and actually tasted like MK and the people there speaks canton). Basically it for saturday, got back to the dorms early 12ish.

Sunday work day. Well we try to. Hmm. Okay after mandatory floor meeting, me and my friend went over to my friends' room so I can pay him back for drinks and movies. One of the guys was like he's gonna drink alone and shit, and then his roommate (who only drinks whisky) was like he's gonna join him. Then we all went up to my other friend's room cus her roommate is not here for this week cus apparently all the Chinese/Koreans are forming their own small groups and such to go to NYC. (Hence going back to me being crazy, going to Atlanta and do wuttttt *question mark*). So. This dude apparently felt like his manhood is gone because of me. (Didn't even thought anyone would care about that, which happened in like mid-October? And we never talked about it ever since) So there was this night in mid-October where me and this girl was drinking alone in my room, playing twenty questions and shits. And me end up drinking 12(?) 15(??) shots within half an hour. So ytd, her brought it up and said he has to reclaim his manhood and he's gonna at least do the same amount I did. So anyway, he ended up puking and shit for more than an hour. But before that we had so pretty decent convos (I took like 7 shots too but that's another story) with his whisky buddy, two non-drinking friends, and the friend's place we crash who's working and we forgot to check with her before heading to her room. 

Ugh okay. I feel like I'm missing the point here. Idk how to say what I wanna say urgh. Okay, let's try this. So midway through his challenge he suddenly asked his friend (sob boy and roommate, known each other since 11 cus same school), if he thinks he is a friend or a stranger if that's the only options, no acquaintance and shits. He called roommate liar after he said friends. ... okay now idk how to organize my thoughts with what happened and put in words again. Ugh. Okay. Then I asked him if I'm a friend or a stranger to him and he said "you're a friend lah".Wheeeeeeee

Okay. So. This dude also lost his fucking expensive watch while helping the puked girl to stabilize herself in the lounge the other day and carry her back to her room and deal with the aftermath of suicide attempts, cus he took it off when he's carrying her. He said my room is his last hope of finding that watch cus the other night he came over and join me and the other survivor for drinks (cus we planned to get super drunk but we haven't had the chance to!!!), I gave him a XXL pj pants to change out on his puked on one. And he said he might have left it in my toilet or room when that happens. Anyways so ytd when I go back to my room and grab the shot cups for our little drinking session, I checked if the watch is anywhere again. When I go back I told him "watch not found. checked the 3 cabinets and roommate's stash and the cabinet under the sink and her table but it's nowhere to be seen". And he was like "thanks. I know most people say they looked when they didn't, but I know you actually did look for it". Wheeeee

And later that night after the friends or strangers convo, girl and me go back to my room with her had 3 shots and me had 5. She said sth like she thinks I'm a really genuine person. And I have the weird innocence in me. But because of the innocence I have, I treat people nicely and I'm really genuine to them and this is great

One more thing I like about last night, somewhere in the night, dude said at first when he met me he thought I'm weird. But then he realize I'm a lot like him. I always look happy (which the girl with three shots was nodding hard lololol) but he knows I'm not actually happy all the time. Which the girl was like arguing: "but no I think she's genuinely happy all the time *pouty face and trying to prove she's the one with right answer*". Idk. You know those moments/feelings when you felt like someone actually understood you or looked past the mask that you intentionally/unintentionally put on, and see who you actually are and understands it and ACTUALLY understands it? That was it. Idk. I wonder how he knows, not that I try to hard or put up anything. But there was a sense of content that is like......he knows what I've been through even though he don't know what it was.

...idk..I really appreciate that 

Also back on friday night hahaha (sorry my timeline and thoughts keep jumping around, but I try to keep them in separate paragraphs lol), we were talking about how the puke girl shouldn't have acted the way she did towards her ex. Cus she's the one who chose to leave him, and get together with another person right afterwards (boy was on a monthly-long trip with his friends around Europe, by the end of the trip, girl suddenly called him and said "hey I'm with XX now"). So it's unfair for her to still care about him while she's with this new guy, cus let's be honest, how many of us can actually stay friends with our exes, let alone going back to that best friend state they once were. And at the same time, to that guy it was hard cus by getting together with another guy, it meant to him that the girl doesn't care about him anymore, cus otherwise she won't get together with that new guy. But for the girl, it's like "I still care about you but I want to be with the other guy, BUT I still care about you". And so I was like "yea honestly you won't expect to stay friends with your ex after breaking up. like you might say things like 'aw let's stay friends even when we're not tgt in the future' where you're still together, but that's bullshit". And the girl was like "but no blablablakan ufkbj iforgot". And the dude was like "girls won't understand", but then he was like "you understands you gets it" "maybe cus you're weird so you understands"

Ending this here cus I don't wanna make a conclusion for anything. Ciaos sweetie talk soon :) Reply me if you have time lol

Soya

x