S: I'll never make it right if you don't want me around

Hey bae,

I'm sorry for not giving you the amount of attention I should as everything is so overwhelming on my side. I could no longer keep track of what were the things I told you and what was just thoughts that tumble upon my mind and rolled into a bigger snowball/poopball, so I'm just gonna type everything (or most) as if you're right by my side to hear my rant.

First thing first, fuck men and their their brains.

Yes I would very much love to fuck them (yes I'm warning you this school is doing something to my brain), I would very much love to fuck their shitty ass little brain out of them but as on this subject matter. Nope, screw these guys. Like. Seriously. Men and your intelligence. On the scale one to infinitely how dumb are you with what you want and what you think you want/say. Dude. Is it really that difficult. Can't you just pretty please leave the field of mind games to girls. Just say what you wanna say and do what you wanna do and stop going around in circles as if we've got years of time to waste on you one single shitty human being that is gonna get me so pissed at myself for pouring emotions on you. Okay maybe not. Maybe he could be the one, you could be the one, we would walk to the very end like Faye Wong and Nicholas Tse (yes my favorite romance story as of the moment and I doubt any story could top that for awhile, okay maybe the Chicago love story that the guy n the girl met on the first day upon her arrival to this city. ANYWAYS.). (Oh gosh now I realize this sound be the most rantful ranting piece I've typed to you by far) I'm just so pissed at VKG for doing all these things to you. Yes, well, if you argue, technically he's not doing anything. And logically (screw that tho), this is the way he lives his life and his personality and life style and you shouldn't "try to change him", but there's a very fine lie between changing/wanting the change someone and the self-awareness/care you show upon the other person's sake and well-being. CARE. CHUNOE? If you care, if you really care, you outta not do things only for yourself if you care, if you care about this other person. It's not like a limitation or anything, you're not one of those super jealousy control freak ocd girls, it's just a sense of at-homeness, security, the feeling of being loved that everyone (in most case) enjoys. Is it that hard? Well if it is then DUDE YOU DON'T DESERVE MY BAE.

Well since I'm in the mood of being bossy and a shitty bitch, there's two options. 1-force him to DTR or break it, 2- endure what he's up to (aka you guys are not a thing not in a relationship hes not your boyfriend and youre not his girl) and just tolerate it cus you love him and wanna be with him so much you don't care about the title and you're just swallow the need of sense of security. As the two of us endure totally different spirit, I can't pick one for you and I won't pick one for you. I hope you're feeling better as this might already be an overdue letter and situations/things might had changed ( I hope it got better). But anyhow. I hope you're happy. Cus no matter who you're with or whether you're with no one at all, it's all about your own state of mind and if you feel good about what you're experiencing and feeling.

What does it say about a person judging by the other half they dates/sees?

What does it say about a person if that's the girl they dates?

/’Cause you never were, and you never will be mine!

That’s right, that’s right, that’s right! 

No you never were and you never will be mine! 

That’s right, that’s right, that’s right! 

There’s a moment to seize every time that we meet, But you always keep passing me by. 

No, you never were, and you never will be mine!/

Idk how much I told you about tuesday but it was fsho the worst day I've had whole summer/since I got here/for the last half year or the last worst day was the day I found out about the possibility of me not being able to come to this school so imagine the intensity of this haha. So for tuesday, if you're wondering why was it bad, we'll have to look at this in a couple different parts cus it is a combination of a combination. || Anyways so I resume typing this thing a night after. Basically, that was the day when 6 of my close friends or people around me told me about them thinking of breaking up/ are taking a break/wanting to break up/ gotta have THE TALK. It was terrible, partly bcs I can't be there for some of them and partly bcs I honestly could do nth to help in any ways. And then I was in this english class called mind and memory at work. It was a really sad class, as the memory that trigger the most emotional materials to write about are usually not the positive ones. So there's this girl, who wrote about her dad with depression who suicided. It was intense. Super intense. She was good. She's so good with her words and writings that it made me cringe. It was so strong and powerful that I felt like my dad was the one dying. As it is the crit day, we had to get deep into the essay to analyse it and shits (it was only a draft.) And at that very same moment, my friend txted me about PA's seeing someone.

Not that I should care not that I'm in any place to care not that I have anything to care about. But it strike me. It strike me at that emotionally vulnerable moment where I was cringing. My letter to you is getting shitty and messy but whatevs. So anyways. It was bad. Very bad. I went to canteen that located on the second floor, and I wasn't feeling food anyways so I didn't even bother to check what's cook Okay so the canteen scene I mixed up with wednesday a little. But anyways. On tuesday I didn't eat lunch, I got a box of milk and that's it. It was ironic cus that was the day when I first saw the girl who he's allegedly seeing for the first time irl. Like, I know who she is, she's been on my fb for months and she's BC's roommate and I know her face and she used to be on my snapchat and shits. Anyways, it was ironic cus that's the first time I ever see her irl even tho I've got here for a month. And I saw her twice that day. As for wednesday. I wasn't feeling food for lunch either. I went to the canteen floor and I saw PA. I know my friends' around too but I cbf to go over there, I can't handle this. Luckily I brought my computer with me for lunch that day for whatever odd gut feeling I felt like I have. I grabbed a Froot Loops cup cus it always make things better, and went to the ground floor and sit in the couch aread behind the fancy stairs. It was weird, I made myself seem busy and do the readings shit. My friend saw me on her way to the second canteen floor and stopped by and took a little chat. Phew. Anyways this was a bad week, or I just had a few rough days emotionally. (Dk where to insert this and I couldn't be bothered, so the last part that composed the worst tuesday was the fact that my roommate and her bf were like taking a break, where as they were like old married couples from the first time I saw them, also my handcream exposed and filled up my whole front backpack pocket) All these had contributed to top my most hated tuesday where both my English class and Art History class take place on, which I hate.

Too sleepy to type you some good stuff or tidy up the letter. I hope I don't sound too messy as I know my mind is and you can still read it. I'll talk to you more later and hopefully by then everything would be better and I would really be able to care less/not care at all. It's conflicted, it feel conflicted. On one hand I know I should just look at him as some beautiful human being and maybe like a celeb, but on the other hand I know he's more than just a crush, especially after I took a look at the Ohlife thingy. I grabbed dinner take out with some friends tonite and while my friend was telling me he saw his work and they're actually good, and not like how he seem totally unrelated and not interested in art, he's ACTUALLY GOOD. My other friend ask me to show her his work and I did, and she went like "OMG THIS IS SO UNFAIR. HOW CAN PEOPLE BE GOOD LOOKING AND GOOD AT ART?! YOU CAN ONLY PICK ONE!!!". Well that's how good he is. Ofc there are always good looking artists, but well yea. You really won't expect that from him from his looks and the attitude/vibe he give off.

Okay I'm really too tired to continue doing this rn so I'm gonna sign off. I'll talk to you more and soon babe xxx

Love,

Yours 

P.S. My friend was kind enough to blast through a loud nostalgic embarrassing song/karaoke moment with me ytd unintentionally. And this was the first song on the queue.

I'll have to tell you more and explain that later. And it's not that I mean every thing of this song althou some are pretty accurate lol

#deliberatelylookingaway#why#dudeyousawmehuh

J: Just hold me like you always do. Love me and leave it undefined.

So it's me again. It's been so long since we've wrote here. It's late night and I am kind of feeling down, so don't expect fun gifs. I'm just not in the mood. Sorry, lovely.

I just really want to get it out my chest. You know, I just sat in my chair this morning when I came  back from my first two classes, and tears just came naturally flooding from my eyes. My heart was so heavy. And you know who I am going to talk about now, do you. It's always him, always VKG. Tell me, why do I love him so. (Okay, I probably sound dumb now, like some desperate teen girl rant. Please bear with me.)

Flash back to Saturday night, I got pretty drunk and I miss him so much, so I message him. I told him I ain't going volunteering winter break, I am spending my break with him. I told him I miss him, I hate the distance. And what he makes fun of me drunk texting and said 'i miss you toos' and stuff, and  then there he goes again about 'this is why I don't want to be official. The distance...blah blah blah...We ought to keep our clear heads or else it might have ruined things' and I asked him bluntly this time (since I was drunk, normally I just let him by) 'why will it ruin things?' I knew what he would say and yes, he said exactly what I think he would. He asked me what was on my mind, where was I getting at. Funny he asked me that. What was on my mind. Him, he is on my fucking mind and I am fucking tired of him always occupying my mind when he is never here physically. He laughed and said that it was sweet and not silly and he is glad I expressed how I feel. And then that was that. I went to bed, I didn't want to talk anymore for I was balling my eyes out on my pillow. Am I love sick?

Sunday night, we skyped. He asked me about my drunk texts, worrying that I was tired of him. He asked me if I want to continue. What the fuck? Why wouldn't I? I asked him back immediately after saying 'yes' 'yes' and 'yes' and he said 'of course yes, did you ever see me hesitate?' Gosh, he thinks I'm hesitating. I am not. The conversation got so intense, so serious, so heavy. And then we got to the dtr bit. He knows that I want to dtr, and he asked me is he right. But my ego, my ego just wouldn't let me. I just said I am happy with what we have now. Which is partly true, I am happy and unhappy at the same time, it hurts. I don't even know what I am feeling. But he could see through me, and he explained all that bullshit again. 

And then he said 'I wouldn't call this a relationship.' What the fuck?

He explained. 'A relationship is like what happened last semester, at least for me. To be in the same place and hang out together, go eat and chill and do things together...blah blah blah...talking on skype is not a relationship. I hope you understand.' What the fuck. (Gosh, typing this alone is making me cry. I don't think I am accurately portraying how intense the conversation was and how the vibe and mood of the exchange had, but trust me. It hurt.) I felt like I didn't know him, or I know so little about him at that moment. I felt like I was back to square one. He keep telling me to tell him what's on my mind, what do I want, what am I thinking. Gosh, he well knows what I am thinking. It's him, and dtr, and him and dtr. I just don't get it. This is not a relationship. So are we friends now? (Okay, he didn't say we were just friends but I mean, what are we?) Friends don't say 'I love you' this way. Friends don't write love letters to each other. Friends don't tell friends they masturbate thinking of you. Friends don't talk like this, drunk dial friends like this. Friends don't ask you to be patient, to wait for three years, to live together in a rad city and be a rad couple together. Friends just don't.

He was the one who said we were practically dating. He was the one who told his friends (okay, not so close friends, but still) that I am his gf. He was the one who fucking said last semester that if he were to count and look back in the future, I am his second girlfriend. 

I told him, even if I don't believe in it, that 'It's okay. I understand, and that is what our plan was anyway. We don't need to slap a name on us. I am fine.' But I am not. 

It is so difficult, you know. Let me warn you now, soyalovely. Ldr is the shit. Ldr hurts and just don't do ldr. I just want him here so bad. I miss him so bad. Now that I know there is exactly 18 days till the day I will see him again, I have grown so restless, I have grown to need him so much. And I try. I try so hard to not be needy (because what he said that night we said goodbye last May, is going to scar me for life, and it is scaring me right now). The thought of the conversation Sunday night and the sight of the drunk messages exchange on Saturday just make me tear up and ball my eyes out in a snap of the fingers. Am I going nuts?

I love him. I still love him despite all that, and I know he loves me too. But don't you think it is such a coward of him? Doesn't he have faith in me? Or perhaps in himself? This is not a relationship. Now I am confused. What the fuck are we?