Hey lovely,
I just finished reading and I
felt like I had to reply you this instant because I just feel like I had to.
Despite your late night half conscious half sane writing, which took me awhile
to read because it is quite late as I was reading it as well, I could feel your
bitterness oozing through the grey words on the screen. (and i did type the letter out but it took be three days to get it ready to publish the post...see life is so fucking hectic and busy in HK I hate it, I basically have no life on the weekdays)
I mean, every time we hang
out, you seem fine, and like regular quirky and fun Sonia, even when you were
moaning about your love life and all
that, you kept it not as sad as you sounded in the letter, and just now,
reading this, I was like ‘oh gosh, I have been neglecting my hubby’s sorrows
and love troubles, like I knew about them but not their level of intensity.’
Sigh, you ‘ve fallen into the
love trap and he’s standing outside watching you struggling. (the song
kekekeke) What’s so special about that guy, right? But oh well, I am pretty
sure you have no idea. Or is it an obsession?
I don’t know, just trying to lay things out for you. But like, moving
on, new obsession, lose obsession, move on and next, and then repeat cycle is
not healthy and it seems so tiring, isn’t it? I really hope you can get over
this, but I know it takes time and it’s all so hard, but I am worried that like
you will move on and new guy and move on when you get to chicagogo, and touch
wood don’t get STDs (sorry for saying that, touch a million woods touch the
entire amazon forest). Gotta protect yourself, babe.
Relationships and love are
tough, and it all sucks, but it is sweet as well. Sometimes. Sometimes only. I
know that. It sometimes is all a game, and you’ll just have to see who plays it
better, or who is the loser. Who was the heartbreaker and who had their hearts
broken. I couldn’t say that the heartbreaker is the lucky one, because the
breaker never feels. The breaker just moves on and breaks more, and their
hearts, deep down is scarred every time they broke a heart, and the scars just
heal and become hard as stone. Soon the heartbreaker will not feel anymore
because their hearts are cold already. The heartbreakee feels. They feel hurt
and pain and suffering and sorrows, but at least they can still feel, and they
know what to do and what not to do, and how to feel and how not to feel about
someone, to someone in the future, and one day, the right heart will show up, I
assure you, soya babe, and you will be happy and satisfied with the strong arms
and warm embrace and kind heart, and perhaps for you, you need a bitchy mouth
and rad attitudes and stubbles and hot hair too. (like the bitchy mouth and
smartass inchy brain of the skout guy *smirk) Oh, can you allow me to describe
your dream guy just to let you ff and make you happy for a bit?
So imagine this guy with PA’s
looks, and skoutguy’s inchy mouth, WI’s childhood memories and attachedness,
and the longhairugly guy’s je ne sais shit quoi… (did I score the jackpot? Are you
smiling now?)
(this is so cliche sorry :p)
Whatttttt! You are fed up
with the clubbing scene already? What about this Friday? Don’t leave me, we are
going out and you have to take care of me, I’m such a kid, never been out
clubbing. So here’s my virgin clubbing experience, I am handing it to you
sincerely, so don’t you leave joshi aloneee. And do keep an eye on me, I don’t
want to get drunk and make out with random guy, you know I have had past records
(though it ended in happiness now lol) but still, I don’t want to ruin my
east-asia romance/fling/idkwhatweare now kekekeke.
(this pic is seriously everywhere haunting meeee)
As for me and vkg, you have
no idea how much I have felt and how many times I have cried at night, lying in
bed alone, or in shower, just because I miss him so much. I have never missed someone so intensely. But
things are going well, I think. Now that he is at home, and done with
travelling, we got to talk, message and skype a lot more. And sometimes he says
really sweet things to me, and he sings and whistles to me when I’m crying when
we were skyping. But sometimes, you know
how he is with his phone and replying to messages, I mean I do see him making
improvements, but You know how I am a phoneaholic and he is like phoneophobic
(okay I’m exaggerating). I am still trying to get used to his sometimes
mia-ness. I mean maybe I am really asking too much, we do exchange long convos
at least like twice a day, sometimes more and sometimes when I’m lucky, he will
be online for like half an hour and we can exchange convo, oh and we skype like
thrice a week? I mean I can function with this much communicating now, and I
can learn to get used to it.
Oh, and I need to tell you
this, I was so pissed Sunday morning at him, then at myself. So we were going
to watch Ruby Sparks together sometime this week when we figured out a good way
to, since iChat is no longer a thing. And then he downloaded it and watched it
BY HIMSELF Saturday night and messaged me and told me how good it was and thanks
for recommending it and like what he liked about the movie. I was like DUDE we
were supposed to watch it together, TOGETHER like YOU and ME, THAT IS TOGETHER.
But then I got mad at myself two hours later because I couldn’t get angry at
him anymore after he replied me and we exchanged like three lines…he is so good
at calming me rawrrr fuck, I was going to be mad at him until he can compensate
me something heehehe :p
I just need to feel connected
to him somehow everyday, and I think, at least on my side, I won’t change. My
heart can stay the same. I really hope he can stay the same too. I really think
I scored the jackpot this time, but I
mean who knows, maybe a year later, a month later, you will be busy lending me
your shoulders and picking me up in broken pieces. But at least for now I feel
loved, I am loving and I am happy. Or happy and sad at the same time still.
You know how the saying goes:
when someone makes you the happiest and the saddest at the same time, that’s
when it’s real, when it’s worth something. Vkg does makes me the happiest and
the saddest at the same time. Missing someone hurts. I think you will understand.
When you miss someone, you
find yourself lying in bed past midnight, with a warm drop of tear rolling down
the side of your face, and you realize you are crying. Sometimes, you will want
to cry. You think that tears can wash away all sorrows and wash you closer
ashore. It does sometimes, but sometimes you will just wail and wail until your
voice breaks and your eyes swell and you notice, nothing has changed. The
distance is still present.
But I know that missing
someone is patience. Every wave of longing are waves I have to learn to
overcome. I will choke and fall but I will try my best to rise back up every
time (and I count on you to help me too) because I know, I will never want to
let the warm waters go. I really hope that one day I will ride those fucking
waves in glory and with my east-asian-dude by my side and be all rad and shit.
This is getting hella long
and I’m tired, and it’s been a long day so I’m going to sign off now, hun’. Can’t
wait till Friday! There’s gonna be a typhoon though, do you think our plan
still works?
Love you shit ton,
Joshi
P.S You got me hooked onto
that song! Love it LOVE it.
