J: We had a taste of sweetness and bitterness, and we can't go back no more.

So first of all, HAPPY NEW YEAR LOVELY! 2014 is bygone and 2015 is the here and the now. Gosh time flies indeed. Do you remember last year this time, we were counting down together on skype? That felt like yesterday. 2014 is a hell of a crazy year for the both of us, right? A crazy year full of experiences, good ones and not so good ones. A crazy year of growth. I’m so glad that you are in with me through the past year because, honestly, I wouldn’t have made it through like this if you weren’t there for me.

Sorry I haven’t been writing you much lately. Now that I have plenty of time during winter break I thought I should sit down and reply to your letters. Anyway, lets get into the real issue you were talking about in your previous letters and our texts these days. Boxers.

First off, I have to say you are sooooo cute this time when you’re crushing on this boxers guy. Unlike the past with PA or with WI (I had to think what his short-form was, we haven’t talked about WI for so long lol) where you seemed desperately sad and heavy, this time with Boxers, you seem more light hearted and erm…cute. Really. Maybe because you have opened up and changed after art school. Maybe because you’ve gained more confidence and have found yourself after going to art school. You are just so cute. And from what I’ve stalked about Boxers and from how I know you, you guys seem a good match. Like you guys seem both a little crazy and a little spontaneous and very much artsy.

I know, I know he has a girlfriend and you can’t tell if you are in the friend zone or if you’re getting close. But as time goes, things will unfold the way it should be. So don’t fret and don’t worry! If it’s boxers in the end, it’ll be boxers. If it’s not, then you’ll find another guy just as cool and artsy and right for you. I mean you should totally try to get him because, why not? Girls can make moves too. What I am saying is don’t let it bother you. (Lol I say don’t let it bother you, but I am totally letting my ldr bother me. But that’s another story.)

So much can happen in one semester. Remember the last spring semester? I felt like my life was a mess with HHG and VKG, but now I feel like my life is all in place (at least most of it).  I cried, I was lost and I felt guilty and hurt and confused. But now, I feel like I know what I’m doing and all those have been lessons I’ve learnt and I don’t regret a thing. . I didn’t even say an official goodbye to HHG, lol. Like the ‘first’ guy in my life is just gone, flown back to South America and I don’t even care anymore. Things that we thought, I thought were big deals and big pains are simply experiences. It has been a good year.

Plus, girl you’re a gem. Any guy will be lucky to have you in their lives and I’m not just saying it. If I am a dude, I will totally date you hehee because I need some crazy in my life. If Boxers is smart enough, he should’ve dumped his gf and gone with you! But yea, what I’m trying to say is, girl, you’ll be fine! Just wait and your future will unfold itself in front of you.

You texted me yesterday saying that you admire me for going long distance with vkg. Honestly, I just don’t know any other way so long distance it is. It is really hard though. Ugh. Both of us have our moments when we are tired and frustrated of the distance, but we just somehow pick each other up and carry on. It’s tough. Especially at night when the darkness comes and I curl up in bed holding my knees against my chest and wish he was here. Especially when his poor communicating skills get to me. Especially when I need him and he’s not here. But I am still happy. Well, happy and sad sometimes, but it’s worth it. I feel loved and cared for. And I hate how I can’t stay mad at him. And I hate how we can only meet up for a few days 

Funny though. Come to think of it, we are all born alone. Not alone alone, I mean we all have families and stuff. But romance-wise, we are all born single and alone. We are all perfectly fine being single until we found someone and we felt like we couldn’t live without them. We grew to need them and they invade our lives with love and tears, and we began to believe that we need those love and tears to get by. It’s quite silly really. How someone has become the center of our lives and losing them doesn't seem like an option at all. We fell in love and we can't go back anymore. After tasting the sweetness and the bitterness, we can't go back anymore. We were all perfectly fine before ; we were all perfectly fine being single. But we weren’t fine with being alone after. We should be though, we should be.  I don’t really know where I’m getting at here. It’s just a random thought lol.

More like we can live alone, we can die alone.

Sorry for going all deep and philosophical in this post. Guess I’m just kinda reflective since it’s the end of the year and everything is drawing to a conclusion and I’m kinda evaluating my year and sorting out my life with all this free time. Anyway, 2014 has been a good year for me. It has been a year of learning, and I have grown and changed a lot. And you too, have changed and grown so much, grown comfortable in your skin and who you are. Proud of you girl! We’ll stick together for the coming year and years to come and I don’t even know what to say anymore but I love you!

just been looping this heehee pumped up pumped up

P.S. Gahhh I'm so excited for nyc with vkg this coming monday!

S: And I needed a way to climb and grab a hold of the edge/ You were sitting there holding a rope

 *click in and see it*

I should be working right now but I'm not, obviously, duh. How are you my dear. Calling you dear reminded me of how so creepy dudes love greeting girls like this. But I'm not creepy old dude. I might be creepy, but not an old dude, so I assume I'm excused. Anyways, your Dubai pics looks super nice! Wish we can go travel tgt. How are you enjoying the exotic Middle Eastern countries so far? It looks beautiful, and today just so happens is my Dubai/Iran friend's birthday hahaha.

Less than 48 hours till my CUTE getaway trip. Which means I need to pack. Which means I need to wrap up my (work) shit and pack. And preferably tidy my side of the room prior leaving. And in additionally hide whatever I don't want my roommate's hands on. So far it's been rantings and rantings in this entry isn't it haha. Okay let me update you my life a lil, not quite as interesting but sounds better than rants.

It's been one hella crazy weekend. As you know it's super strict here about drinking and shit and since I have great friends that I don't even need alcohol to have fun with (personally I think these are the [real] and best type of friends), seeing 3 of us puke over the same weekend and going through extreme dramas was pretty, wow.

Idk where to begin with so let's just rewind to friday morning when I crawl out of bed to register classes for nx semester, and the only class I really extremely definitely desperately want to enroll in was gone. Even the waitlist was closed. Everyone kept telling me no one will want that class, apparently it's more popular than the market predicted lol. Anyways, so I carried on to look through everything and anything I'm remotely interested in. And ended up enrolling on a class I intend to take in sophomore year. It's alright. My interest towards that class is nowhere to be seen as of taking it in the first year, but whatever, but, BUT. But it's on saturdays. Fricken saturdays. 9-4 on Saturdays. It's still alright. I get fridays off since I don't get the class I want, but the problem is. This kid that I know, is also in the same class with me. Idk how to describe him. They said he's like the fat kid that got bullied in high school (o maybe even his whole life) and trying to stat new here and since everyone here is weird he's doing okay. But his socially awkwardness is still here. Aka for example, he bakes really well. He gave me one of the best flavored (note: not texture-wise-speaking lol but then again I've ate a ton of cookies in my life, I shouldn't be too harsh on a cookie), but seriously tho, it was good. It has chocolate covered coffee beans in it I think. Anyways, it was cool, we were all chilling in our friends' room and he (kinda self-invite) himself and offered us cookies, which is nice of him. But he's the kind of person who forcefully offers you stuffs. Anyway, that cookie was good so nvm. (Speaking of that he just walked past lol didn't see me tho lol) So there's this other time, me and my friend went to get tuesday night students $1 pizza at like 10pm, and after that we go back to my room and chill. My roommate was working and she need printer A4 papers but our computer lab printer paper slot is locked, so my friend offered her papers from his room, so me and him went to his room on another floor to get it. On our way to his room, we bumped into cookie guy. While we were already full from that $1 deep dish pizza (and I had two dinners prior that cus 1-I was hungry, 2-my friend got off class at 9pm so we ate again, I didn't intend to join the discounted pizza at first.), we bumped into this cookie guy in the elevator, and he's like whatsup and such, then we told him we're grabbing paper for my rm. Then he was like do you guys want a cookie (he actually asked it once and twice before and after pizza meal already, and no, we didn't go together tho he went with some other people too). And while my friend was like, nah we're alright and I told him I'm good cus I've had three dinners in a row so maybe next time, he insisted and go like "who can resist the cookies!" "full? then this is the best time to have a cookie!" -_-. Seriously dude. Anyways so he pressed the elevator button to his floor with me and my friend staring at each other with telegraphy eye-message. ...Long story short, we ended up staying there unwillingly with his cookies and he made us smell his candle waxes. By smelling the candle maxes, I mean he made us smell every single one of it. By every single one of it, I meant he went like "oh you haven't smelled this one". Help. Anyway, so he's a nice guy and all that but ..... I think you get the idea. As if saturday class on a class I don't want to take is not bad enough, he-is-going-to-be-in-the-same-class-with-me. And no. NO. I'm far from excited about it. (Update, checked the system on saturday night and enrolled myself in a class I'm bit more interested in, and dropped the hell away from that class)

So, back to friday. I love birthdays, I don't care if it's mine or others' I just do. So okay we had an amazing party with the birthday girl kept alternating between "you guys don't have to do this" "I've had the best fun ever" "I love you so much thank you" before she's lost on my rug. I think I did a good job, at least kinda......yeaaaaa. So back to dramas, two of our friends who apparently used to date, had always been avoiding each other's existence although we're all in the same tiny group of friends. Before knowing their dating history, it didn't even ring up our mind that they intentionally skip out on gatherings since they are both really busy people in general. But after knowing that, everything makes sense. Anyways, so knowing that the girl is going the show up on the birthday party, the guy wasn't gonna show up although he's better friends with birthday girl than the girl does. Somehow though, he decided to pregame and join in after he's drunk, and this guy, yea this guy, is a super light-weight. Fastforward. After the dinner part of the party (we had it in the dorm, and for dinner we occupied the common kitchen for it), we moved to my friends' room and chill with drinks and cake and shit. By now, dude is super drunk. Somehow, he and the girl had an intense stare of one whole minute without breaking without anyone but one guy next to the girl noticing. It was the first time they ever made eye contacts since after the broke up almost 5 months ago. No one knew that until the witness told us later that night, but after that one minute, what the rest of us noticed was his hysteric devastating sobs. No joke, it was the kind of sobs that ....imagine your love one was gone and shit, and you were like going after to look for/catch him or her to reunite/protect them, but by the time you got there, he or she is dead, and you watch them turn into dust and glide along the wind to the sky. Yep, that was the sob. And while he's doing that, the girl chugged the whole bottle of white wine and ran out of the door. Fastforward. Party abruptly ends here. We basically divided into 3 teams, me sending the birthday girl to my room cus she's staying over, 2 friends chasing after the girl after she ran out of the door, and like 3 others stay in the room trying to comfort and calm the boy down.

This is the first drama our group ever experienced. The girl (who now has a new boyfriend that she loves dearly and she's gonna fly herself to spend two whole weeks with him in UK and quote: I don't care what we do or where we go there, I just wanna spend time with him) puked multiple times (over one of my friends hands and her side, and all over one of our other friend's pants), later repeatedly bang herself towards a wall claiming she wanna kill herself (with an actual tempted intention), and foaming in her mouth later that night while we can't call an ambulance cus 1-she's technically under 21, 2-she's on a government scholarship. Not quite sure how the guy ended up. But the aftermath in the survivors' discussion (me+one dude+the 2 that got puked on), combining background stories and shits, we knew that the guy had never been happy even for a day in here, cus he's broken (6 years together with the girl, 3 being best friends and 2 dating, broke up 2 months prior coming to Chicago, with the girl immediately dating another guy afterwards). He's broken up.

Anywayyyyyy, so we were all dead. Got back to my room at 5ish that day, first time now showering and shit before bed, got woken up at 11ish by my friend on rug. Went to movies with a couple people on saturday pm for Hunger Games and The Theory of Everything. Later went for Chinatown dinner (found this place called Mong Kok Café or sth, and actually tasted like MK and the people there speaks canton). Basically it for saturday, got back to the dorms early 12ish.

Sunday work day. Well we try to. Hmm. Okay after mandatory floor meeting, me and my friend went over to my friends' room so I can pay him back for drinks and movies. One of the guys was like he's gonna drink alone and shit, and then his roommate (who only drinks whisky) was like he's gonna join him. Then we all went up to my other friend's room cus her roommate is not here for this week cus apparently all the Chinese/Koreans are forming their own small groups and such to go to NYC. (Hence going back to me being crazy, going to Atlanta and do wuttttt *question mark*). So. This dude apparently felt like his manhood is gone because of me. (Didn't even thought anyone would care about that, which happened in like mid-October? And we never talked about it ever since) So there was this night in mid-October where me and this girl was drinking alone in my room, playing twenty questions and shits. And me end up drinking 12(?) 15(??) shots within half an hour. So ytd, her brought it up and said he has to reclaim his manhood and he's gonna at least do the same amount I did. So anyway, he ended up puking and shit for more than an hour. But before that we had so pretty decent convos (I took like 7 shots too but that's another story) with his whisky buddy, two non-drinking friends, and the friend's place we crash who's working and we forgot to check with her before heading to her room. 

Ugh okay. I feel like I'm missing the point here. Idk how to say what I wanna say urgh. Okay, let's try this. So midway through his challenge he suddenly asked his friend (sob boy and roommate, known each other since 11 cus same school), if he thinks he is a friend or a stranger if that's the only options, no acquaintance and shits. He called roommate liar after he said friends. ... okay now idk how to organize my thoughts with what happened and put in words again. Ugh. Okay. Then I asked him if I'm a friend or a stranger to him and he said "you're a friend lah".Wheeeeeeee

Okay. So. This dude also lost his fucking expensive watch while helping the puked girl to stabilize herself in the lounge the other day and carry her back to her room and deal with the aftermath of suicide attempts, cus he took it off when he's carrying her. He said my room is his last hope of finding that watch cus the other night he came over and join me and the other survivor for drinks (cus we planned to get super drunk but we haven't had the chance to!!!), I gave him a XXL pj pants to change out on his puked on one. And he said he might have left it in my toilet or room when that happens. Anyways so ytd when I go back to my room and grab the shot cups for our little drinking session, I checked if the watch is anywhere again. When I go back I told him "watch not found. checked the 3 cabinets and roommate's stash and the cabinet under the sink and her table but it's nowhere to be seen". And he was like "thanks. I know most people say they looked when they didn't, but I know you actually did look for it". Wheeeee

And later that night after the friends or strangers convo, girl and me go back to my room with her had 3 shots and me had 5. She said sth like she thinks I'm a really genuine person. And I have the weird innocence in me. But because of the innocence I have, I treat people nicely and I'm really genuine to them and this is great

One more thing I like about last night, somewhere in the night, dude said at first when he met me he thought I'm weird. But then he realize I'm a lot like him. I always look happy (which the girl with three shots was nodding hard lololol) but he knows I'm not actually happy all the time. Which the girl was like arguing: "but no I think she's genuinely happy all the time *pouty face and trying to prove she's the one with right answer*". Idk. You know those moments/feelings when you felt like someone actually understood you or looked past the mask that you intentionally/unintentionally put on, and see who you actually are and understands it and ACTUALLY understands it? That was it. Idk. I wonder how he knows, not that I try to hard or put up anything. But there was a sense of content that is like......he knows what I've been through even though he don't know what it was.

...idk..I really appreciate that 

Also back on friday night hahaha (sorry my timeline and thoughts keep jumping around, but I try to keep them in separate paragraphs lol), we were talking about how the puke girl shouldn't have acted the way she did towards her ex. Cus she's the one who chose to leave him, and get together with another person right afterwards (boy was on a monthly-long trip with his friends around Europe, by the end of the trip, girl suddenly called him and said "hey I'm with XX now"). So it's unfair for her to still care about him while she's with this new guy, cus let's be honest, how many of us can actually stay friends with our exes, let alone going back to that best friend state they once were. And at the same time, to that guy it was hard cus by getting together with another guy, it meant to him that the girl doesn't care about him anymore, cus otherwise she won't get together with that new guy. But for the girl, it's like "I still care about you but I want to be with the other guy, BUT I still care about you". And so I was like "yea honestly you won't expect to stay friends with your ex after breaking up. like you might say things like 'aw let's stay friends even when we're not tgt in the future' where you're still together, but that's bullshit". And the girl was like "but no blablablakan ufkbj iforgot". And the dude was like "girls won't understand", but then he was like "you understands you gets it" "maybe cus you're weird so you understands"

Ending this here cus I don't wanna make a conclusion for anything. Ciaos sweetie talk soon :) Reply me if you have time lol

Soya

x

J: Post night out madness. Knives. I want his lips.

Sorry I couldn't come up with a better title this time, but that doesn't matter because I am hungover. I know what you’re talking about, like feeling stuff after reading something intense. I would’ve been super depressed too if that happens to be and funny I’m reading this after the suicide scare from my roommate last night.

Going out was fun and crazy!

But the after-going-out was terrible.

 

 I went out with vkg and his friends and my roommate and two of my other friends initially, and then the guys and the gals split up after we smoked and chilled for a bit in the woods after a house party and we went off to a club and the guys went to some sports bar thing. We met up with some European guys that we know and they got us into the VIP area and my god those girls got wasted, and I had to make sure everyone goes back to the safety of our rooms. And it took me like 25 mins to convince this one friend to not go out anymore to some random guy’s apartment and have some ‘after party’, and then we all crashed in our room. And then one friend started crying about her ‘man whore’ ex-boyfriend. And the other one started puking. And my rmm started her panic attack and I am the one slightly sober, and I have no idea who to take care of in this fucking situation in 3 am in the morning when my mind is drunk and tired and not functioning. Luckily the puking girl went to the bathroom and the crying girl went to look after her so I can focus on one person. And you know the rest, the fucking suicide attempt. But yes, that was my first night out with my fake, and it was fun and then awful. I declined kisses offers because I only want vkg’s lips and speaking of his lips, I kinda want them now…fuck it he’s sleeping still I guess.

Since you were ranting about your roommate, my roommate is uber messy lol, which kind of sucks, and has so many problems too. So I told you about the drunk depressed/panic attack hence suicide attempt last night that freaked the fuck out of me. Gosh, I had to hide the knives and scissors, and I was worried she was going to do stupid shit while I was asleep, I mean you know how deep a sleeper I am. But apart from this time, you know about all the other times she gets depressed and wants to talk. I try to be there for her, but sometimes all these negativity…and she keeps complaining and complaining and never stops. And I don’t know what to do with a person who complains 8.5 out of every 10 sentences she gets out her mouth. But what I think you could do with your roommate is just talk to her. Americans should be fine with this kind of talking if done nicely. Your rmm grew up in America, so it should be fine I guess J Or you can ask her sweetly and nicely too to ask her if she wanna help wash the dishes. I mean, she used them and both of you don’t want bugs and things crawling all over your room, right? Guess we both have roommate problems.

Go meet PA! Work your charm! Have you ever talked to him? Like after what, two months of school? Girl you should try talk to him if you haven’t already! You’re never getting what you want until you make that first move! And I mean it’s not like you have to hump him right off that bat lol, just be friends and have a chill convo, even a head nod or a smile. He would think you’re a cool gal, I mean if he is not that black and white frat-blond type, he would definitely appreciate the colorful you! I mean, no hard trying, right? And well you don’t have to put all your bet on the first encounter or even this guy, you now what I mean? There are so many fish in the sea, and trust me, you will find some one because you are a gem. May that be PA or someone else! So let me give you a task to accomplish until you write the next letter. Go talk and be hi-bye friends with PA. 

Yes, I am indeed having fun with vkg and life is pretty awesome. I think we are pretty in sync now with our spending time together. Like in the past, I tried so hard to not be needy and be obsessed over spending time together, but now, I only well perhaps have to try a little tiny bit, and I got my own gals to chill with now sometimes it’s me who said I got to go. He is happy for me about that and he is happy that our needs are in sync now, well, pretty much. And his friends like me lol I tried to make them like me, and well I hope I did alright. He is a bit frustrated with his job search and life now really, since he feels like he is here in Iowa City without a purpose, so sometimes I try to cheer him up. But all in all, I am having a great time with him, but I am also dreading the impending goodbye and the getting used to not having him around again. I really love this man, it is the first time I’ve ever felt this way, and I don’t know. I just am afraid that I won’t have him in the end. He said he would think about it, about whether to become official or not. I still don’t know what he defines us. I mean sometimes he said we are dating, and sometimes he explains to me why we shouldn’t start dating now… And there is a big probability that he will be working in Chicago, so we can get to meet more often if that’s the case, and I will get to see you my girl more often too I bet!

And because I am spending so much time with him, I am lacking in my school work and have been skipping some classes. So fuck me, I’m kind of screwed. Anyway, I should get back to working now. I am kind of afraid what would happen when my roommate wakes. Ughhh. Hang in there girl! With PA, with the roomie, with school, with everything. Can’t wait to see you thanksgiving love!

Kisses and hugs and all things wonderful,

Joshi

P.S. I like how I found all dudes gif this time. okay bye.